8/29/2012

3, 2, 1...

I'm alone again, Tom has gone back to the US for some important meeting. We parted on good terms and he's coming back in a week or so, but I really needed this time for myself. Bruno is still here but we don't bother each other, we have lunch and dinner together and then go off to our separate lives.

I came here to get away from my past, but it sort of followed me all the way across the ocean. I'm not going to give up though, I can't, I need to keep trying. Being alone helps, I will use this time to not care about anyone or anything other than myself. Not even my so called best friend and her new lover.





8/20/2012

Where will we go?

Avy and I have stopped communicating, I read her blog but I don't know if she's reading mine. Everything she writes gets to me, I take it personally and wonder why she doesn't mention me anymore. We should be friends, she should love me like I love her, but who knows if she still does.

We met before Chloe, before Henry, even before Carl. It's a history I don't want to lose, if I did I would have nothing. It breaks my heart, the thought of it, and for what? I don't even have the right to tell her what to do and what not to do with Henry, but it really hurts me and I wish she would understand that.

So know I drink wine as if there's no tomorrow, just in case there actually isn't.


8/15/2012

Images

Someone told me that love is selfish and I think they were right. I'm letting all of this get to me because I can't handle the fact that Henry is touching someone else, kissing her, undressing her, throwing her Alexander McQueen dress on a floor on the other side of the ocean. I picture it when Tom wants to sleep with me and I have to tell him I'm tired, then turn around to not show him how ashamed I am of myself.

One of these days I have to tell him what it's all about or I'll lose him too. He's too good for this, I want to love him and only him, the way he deserves, and be happy. I want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but I know there is no such thing as protection. No matter how close you get to someone, you're always alone in the end.


8/06/2012

Falling apart

The summer is still getting hotter and hotter but my mind is somewhere else. Tom notices and asks me what's wrong, I lie and tell him I have a headache. It kills me, I could never let him know the reason I'm down is someone I loved, Henry, another man. The worst thing is I don't know if I still love him or if I just don't want Avy to have him. She's my best friend, the only girl who's ever been close to me, but the more I think about them together the more I start to hate her.

I called her yesterday to tell her that, and when I did I heard him talking in the background. If she doesn't have a guilty conscience she sure is a hell of an actress.