Happy Christmas!

A little late I know, but I really wanted to relax these last few days. I've always loved Christmas because it's meant I can spend time with my family and forget everything else. This time it felt a little strange thanks to everything that has happened, but it worked. It cleared my mind, at least for a while, and that's worth a lot right now.

And hey, look at this, I got pants! It's been ages since I wore anything else than skirts and dresses, but obviously dad thought it was time for something new. I got him a Bvlgari watch, he said he loved it and I hope he really did. I can tell he likes to have me home again, he tries a little harder to make me happy. Not that he didn't in the past but I think he's realized he also has to listen. I'm not a child anymore, although I'll always be his daughter.

How have you been my darlings?

A friend in need

I told mom about my fashion project, but now I wish I hadn't. For a woman who's never worked for anything in her life she can be very judgmental. Dad doesn't know yet but I suspect he will soon enough.

I really want to do something with my life and I'm glad I've figured out where to start, but it feels strange at the same time. For the first time I'm heading somewhere and I guess I should feel free but I don't. When I was younger I was trapped but it didn't feel that way, now I can do whatever I want but my own expectations are weighing me down. I hope it will pass.

Henry is stil cute. Lately he's been the only one I feel I can talk to.

H and I

I spent this past weekend with Henry, not doing anything, just walking and talking. He listens and that's always worth something. Sometimes I talk too much and realize I want to ask him something, so I do. He doesn't say a lot but that just makes me more curious.

I know that Avy has mixed feelings about all this, she told me. I understand her because in retrospect I've always been the one who's been left out. But I'm not doing this for anyone else, I'm doing it for me, Henry makes me happy and I enjoy being close to him. Where it leads me is a question for the future.

I'm in fashion, maybe

Although I'm not one myself I've always been inspired by people who do things, who make things happen. So I thought to myself, what could I do, not for someone else but for myself? And watching this Chanel show I got the idea to make clothes. Why not? I love fashion and I've always had it close to me, so why not give it an honest try. I'm not sure where to begin yet, but Avy's coming over in a little while so I thought I'd take it up with her. Wish me luck!

A few little steps

First week at home, everything is slowly returning to normal and I'm not trying to stop it. Dad has gone on one of his business trips and he took mom with him so I have a lot of time for myself.

Henry came by yesterday, we watched some old movie and I showed him the house. He seemed very impressed but for me it's always just been my home. I think one of the hardest things I've had to do over the last couple of months has been to realize that this sort of life is not normal. I'm slowly getting there, helped by the expression on Henry's face when he sees a Monet on the wall or the pool outside.

He also keeps giving me sweet compliments about how I look, but he's not fooling me. All he wants is to see me without clothes (after all, he's a 21 year old boy). I can't say I'm not curious though, so I had Salvatore take some pictures of me. The chef for those of you who didn't know. I liked this one.

Back in la-la land

Back in LA or home or whatever you want to call it, and it feels as if everything and nothing has changed at the same time. I'm a different person in the same place I've always been, I've traveled years just to end up where I was when I started. The good thing is I know there's a whole world out there, and I can do whatever I want with it.

Dad acts like I've been home all the time, it's nice to not argue over anything but it bugs me too. He wants me to be the same daughter I was this spring and I have to pretend I am, for now. He sent Salvatore out to get me a wonderful velvet jacket from the Versace for H&M collection. Maybe I'm stupid for accepting it but I guess I don't have to change everything about my life all at once.

And then there's Henry. It was nice to see him again, I had forgotten how he failed me the last time and I don't really care anymore. He said he was sorry and I choose to believe him. He still makes me smile and that's worth plenty.

Returning

I'm going home, it's time now. I've said goodbye to my new friends and am now preparing to meet my old ones. Or one, I should say. I'd be worried about what my dad might have to say when I get back, but I've heard from my aunt that he's finally accepted some guilt in this situation. Not for what happened but for past events, long before I was even born. I don't know if that should make me happy, but at least I know the changes are permanent now. I'm a small part in this context, and I forgive him. Remains to been seen how life will turn out when everything returns to normal, whatever that is.

The money we spend

Hi everyone, how are you?

I'm still in London but I've switched hotels to a smaller and less expensive one. The strangest thing happened to me this weekend, I was out with Avy's friend and her group and I ended up taking them back to my room. One of the girls asked me how I could afford such luxury and it dawned on me that I'm not paying for my life, my dad is. That might not be a weird thing when you're in your early twenties, but I've never even planned for another future. I thought the events of the last months had made me into a different person but apparently I still have a lot to learn.

...and I miss Avy. Reading about her Halloween just made want to be there with her, back to how everything was before this strange summer. I want to go out with her again, get drunk and go to sleep next to her. I want to wake up with the smell of her hair in my nose. My best friend, my life.

Lost

I knew it wasn't far away, and last night I had a dream about Lorenzo. We were alone together on a summer field, chasing butterflies and laughing. Too good to be true but still so very real, and I woke up in the darkness with heavy traffic outside my window. I call it mine now, I've been in London a few weeks but it's beginning to feel like home.

Avy's friend is sweet, I can talk to her. Tomorrow I'll wander the streets by myself again, I need some time to get back to reality, whatever that is.

It's now or never

Ok, all or nothing, I'm going out to meet Avy's friend. My heart is pounding, I'm such a coward. Also, I'm realizing that I've never really had any friends, at least not more than one or two. That's what makes me so socially awkward, it has to be. Well, never too late for second chances, right? I hope she brings some more people so I don't have to do too much talking, I'm better at listening, for better or for worse.

For the first time in months I really miss my family.

Lost in translation

I can't believe how fast time passes, I've already been here a week. Mostly watching TV in my hotel room but out and about too, on my own. Last night I called for room service and made the poor concierge sit down on my bed to listen to me talk for almost an hour. I think he felt sorry for me while wondering what a young American girl was doing in that suite all alone. He had the manners not to ask and turned down my attempt to tip him. I don't know how to take that.

I miss Avy, and I have to call her tomorrow. I would feel like a total idiot if I went to London for over a week without even seeing her friend once. My oh my.

On the road again.

I'm in London, about to go to bed. I checked in to the Hilton, Avy told me I could probably visit her friend that lives here but I'm too shy. Now I feel stupid because I'm all alone and not sure what to do.

It was hard leaving Italy and my aunt, but I got tired of the countryside and the quiet war between her and my father. Like I said, I understand him better now but I'm also more afraid. Of my whole family, its history, the future. It's so weird that the Italians never speak of the mafia, when everyone knows it's there all the time. It's like a cancer, and I guess people hope that ignoring it will make it go away. Well, I know I will never be able to forget it ever again. Good or bad.

On my own, not alone

I'm slowly realizing that I really want to go to London, I'm just a little afraid. I'm not that good at meeting new people in new places, but I know that's not an excuse. I have to let go as I've already started to do, if I'm ever going to grow as a person. Also, London has always been the city of my dreams, I have been fantasizing about it for so long. Dad promised he would take me there some day but it never happened, something else always came in between. Now I can do it on my own and as scary as that is it feels pretty good too.

London calling?

Weekends here are difficult, I'm running out of things to do. I'm used to being isolated but always with LA right around the corner. I need options, and here I don't have any. My aunt is giving away more and more of the family story without realizing it, talking on the phone with my father. There are things there I would have preferred not to know, but it also makes me understand him better. In a way he grows as a man, in another he gets smaller. He both had and lacked courage, but he made his choices and I don't think I can blame him anymore.

I talked to Avy yesterday, it felt good. She suggested I should go to London to visit her friend, I want to do it but I don't know her well enough. What's a girl to do?

La vita degli altri

Early night outside of Firenze, the whole family is at a bar watching Inter - Roma so I'm all alone. Still gathering the strength I need to return to what used to be my home, my other life in America. Seeing the images from 9-11 made me feel as if I need to go back soon, as if I need to protect and honor the country that raised me.

The other day my aunt took me to a Vasari exhibition at the Uffizi.  Walking around the hallways and rooms made me think of all those lost lives, all those people on whose shoulders we are still standing but that are long gone now. It makes me sad, reminding me how everything eventually comes to an end. As we perish only the memories remain, and they will soon be forgotten too.

The strangest thing is that my darling Avy seems to have been thinking the very same thing at almost the same time at a totally different place in the world. I miss her.

Blood and water

Time passes in the Tuscan countryside, slowly, the way I like it. Drifting further away from the thought of returning, further away from the hurtful memories. It happened here, but strangely enough it's easier to deal with it when I'm away from home. Everything back there is tainted with the poison of lies and fairytales, here the truth seems so much more obvious.

Dad wants to talk to me but I keep pretending I'm not in when he calls. My aunt forwards my words because she thinks I'm on her side whem I'm really standing in the middle. She should understand why he's afraid to come back, but somewhere she must have forgotten, and she just blames him for being so far away. I guess they love each other more than they dare admit.

Alive

Yes, I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a month but there's a reason for that. I went to Italy to get away from everything, and as soon as I go to the computer I'm back home again, mentally. I've needed this time to process my thoughts so I hope you don't mind too much.

My aunt and my father keep fighting over the phone, I hear everything but keep from asking questions. Over the past week I've learned things I never knew about my family and its history. It's not a pretty picture. I'll tell you more about it later, but now it's lunch in the garden.

Un bacio.

S.

Un italiano vero

Another lazy day, I'm slowly adjusting to a new way of life. Sitting in the shade, reading Vogue Italia, taking care of myself.

I hear my aunt talking to dad on the phone, she's upset. She talks to him in a 200 mph Italian, gesturing with her entire body. I pretend not to listen but I already know what they are saying, I've heard it all before. Dad is not a "real" Italian since he gave up and moved to America. He should never have abandoned such a big part of his family, and for something so cheap and superficial!

The only thing I can't figure out is if my aunt really wanted to go too, if she feels left behind or just let down. The way she talks about California and Los Angeles - contemptuously - doesn't quite cover the little traces of envy in her voice.

From Toscana with love

Sorry for the lack of pictures in my last post, I forgot my camera as I was going out. It won't happen again :)

First "real" night in Italy, because of the jetlag. Strolling down the litte streets in Siena, stoping at a restaurant, having a tiramisu and an espresso... I'm so torn between these two cultures, the american and the italian. I don't know where I'm most at home, maybe I love it here just because it's new and it's not where I have my everyday life. I feel a little lost but I hope that this trip will help me regain some confidence and faith in my situation.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going for a drive in the countryside, I can't wait. It's now 10.45 PM and I'm going to bed. Take care everyone, goodnight.

Sick and tired

This past weekend was a complete disaster. Instead of me getting to know that boy (Avy calls him Henry) a little more, I ended up being back on square one. We had fun at Avy's house and then we went out together, but after just an hour I found him flirting with some blonde bimbo in high heels and a floral dress. Probably a fashion blogger.

I left without saying anything, and he hasn't called since, so I guess that's it. The thing is that I don't know if I care, maybe I just liked the attention.

Anyway, I can't really think straight here anymore so I've bought a plane ticket to Italy and I'm leaving first thing in the morning. I'll live with my aunt for a couple of weeks, dad couldn't be happier. I guess he thinks that I'm finally going back to the nice little person I was before all this happened, but that won't happen.

Talk to you soon darlings. Ciao.

A liar and a thief

I hate having to lie to my father, but he doesn't seem to like Avy so I have to. Girls like her, he thunders, will drag you down with their depraved habits and lack of ambitions. A bit harsh I must say...

Anyway, I want to meet my little fling again, just to see where it leads, but I'm to shy to go on my own. Therefore, I call Avy and ask if she wants to go out and oh, I forgot, X is joining if that's okay? Yes, I'm using my image of total innocence to my advantage, I'm a horrible person. Either way she agreed so now I just have to find an excuse to get out of the house.

Any ideas?

Crossroads

It's so exciting talking on the phone with this boy, and just the thought of seeing him again makes me blush. But there's also a part of me that's a little scared, that doesn't want to grow up just yet. That part still wants to be with her family and let them take care of her against the evils of the world. I know that much of that was just a childish fantasy, but it was one I liked to live in. The only thing that really remains of those times is Salvatore, and I hope that will never change.

Happy Forth of July

I've never fully felt like an American, but on this forth of July I think I'm closer than ever before. I still love Italy and I'm proud of my heritage, but more and more that all feels like a lost part of me. Now I can say that this is where I want to be and this is where I have my future. A few month ago I still thought I would go back to Toscana when I'm older, and that I would live my life closer to my roots. Now I don't. I have been reborn as a different person, and even though I'm still trying to get over the chock and figure it all out, today I can without second thoughts call myself a proud American.

The words the words

Oh my. So I said I don't really have any friends, and this weekend Avy had other plans. Well, I suddenly remembered that boy from a couple of weeks back. I don't know how I could possibly forget, but I guess it has something to do with not being used to these situations.

Anyway, I flipped through my phone and found his number (since he had called me before). My little heart was about to jump out of my chest as he picked up, and for what seemed like an eternity I didn't know what to say. Luckily he's not the shy type, so we ended up talking all night and just hung up.

Owh. He talks to me like no one ever has before.

All alone on a weekend

I only realized it now, that I don't really have any friends. I called Avy to see if she wanted to meet up this weekend, and when she had other plans I was stuck at home. It's really sad, and even more so because I didn't see it. I've always had a big family, but they're not my friends in the sense that I can be a typical 20 something with them.

And so, the next step in my new life is to meet new people. I've never had to do that before so I'm a little scared. Where do I begin?

No turning back

Last weekend was hell on earth, I'm just now able to sit by the computer because I'm home alone. My dad somehow found out about me going out and staying out late, and ordered me not to leave the house for a week. I used to love staying in, being with my family, but lately it's all felt like the biggest hypochrisy in the world. Dad dragged me to church Sunday and for the first time I heard those words about God and his infinite kindness like shameless lies. I don't know if to be sad or angry, but I guess I'm a little of both. I just want things to go back to how they were, but it's too late now. And then what?

Out in the open

My dear readers, there are so many of you now! Who could have guessed?

I suppose I could tell you something about last weekend and the crazy Saturday night, but Avy's already given me away. I have no regrets but it's a strange feeling. I know this is more like the life I want to live, but I'm not yet used to it and I keep thinking about everything that's been holding me back all this time. Traditions, my family, God... I'm standing at the crossroads ready to chose paths, but it's still a little frightening.

For Avy it's different, she's so confident with who she is and doesn't seem to be afraid of anything. I envy that.

(And sweetie, I will get back at you for outing me like that. Sleep with one eye open.)

Precious memory

So apparently alcohol can cause you to lose bits of your memory. A guy called me earlier today and said "Hi, it's X". I froze, couldn't produce an answer, and just waited for him to take the next step. "This is S, right?" he continued, and I nodded silently. "Don't you remember me?" he went on. No, sorry. So he started telling me about how we had met at that bar, how we danced and kissed under the stars, how I gave him my number and told him to call me. So he did.

I felt like a total idiot, but he was kind enough to forgive me and we ended up talking for two hours. What a thrill! He sounds really nice too, and if I kissed him I'm guessing he's sort of cute. He said he was going out tonight, so maybe I'll call Avy and see if she wants to follow me there.

Wish me luck!

A half-naked truth

Not only do I now know the thrill of feeling cute little boy-hands under my blouse, I also know what it's like to be incredibly hung-over. At first I felt bad when my father tried to get me to go with the family to church (he finally gave up after a heated argument with my mother), but after they all left I experienced freedom like never before. I went downstairs and had Salvatore make me a beautiful steak alla Fiorentina. He worked his magic and then joined me as I ate, we just sat there in silence looking at each other and it was absolutely wonderful. It was only after I returned to my room that I realized I had been wearing my see-through nightgown the whole time, and I didn't even feel embarressed about it. The greatest realization of that entire weekend.

Whoo

Such a great evening, i had so much fun. avy is the sweettest girl in the world, i' m al ittle bit in love with her. Being out was great, I felt so good getting al that attention from cute boys, I could feel them looking at me, wanting me. O fcourse i never let any of them get ttoo close, but the game itself is very exciting. this is my new life, and i'm so happy to have found it. Now i rellay need to lseep, love you all. Kisees.

Out and about

Dear blog, dear readers. Thank you all for your concern, it's very sweet.

Tonight is a special night, for the first time in over a year I'm going out, probably to a club down town. I've always been happy staying in with my family, but after all that's happened over the past weeks it would just feel like a sham. Instead I'm hooking up with Avy and some of her friends in a couple of hours. I'm a little scared since the only alcohol I'm drinking is wine at family dinners, but I think I'll do fine. It's about time I grow up and stop being that little innocent girl who's isolated from the rest of the world.

Keep your fingers crossed for me lovers!

Growing up

Twelve days have passed, I feel strangely liberated. I look back at my life and wonder how I could fall for the lies, how I could be the good girl without feeling as if I just acted. I think I can see more clearly than ever before, but it might also be the silent rage that blocks me from grasping everything else. I'm trying to gather my thoughts and understand what has really changed, apart from the obvious.

This Sunday the whole family is supposed to go to the church. I'll pretend I'm sick, I don't have anything more to say to God after what he did to me. No excuses, no forgiving. I'm done with Him.

Waking up

I said that my life ended, but of course that's not true. We all continue to live on even after our loved ones are gone, only in another way. For me it's like I've woken up from a bad dream, but I can't shake the memory and feeling of it. I'm stuck in this new reality where everything I knew before no longer applies. So many thoughts are  going through my head, and I'm reevaluating old truths for better or for worse. The only thing I know for sure now is that I can't go back to many of the lies that were part of me for so long. And it hurts, because those lies were told to me by my family.

War is over

My life as I knew it ended at 04:19 AM along with his, but please, don't dispear. I don't have any more tears left and I hope I will never have to cry like this ever again. Don't feel sorry for me and don't feel bad, the world is still turning and the sun will rise and set just like it did yesterday. I'm not sad anymore, I'm angry because I've been cheated and betrayed by the people who say they love me. I was told that everything would be alright as long as I kept my faith and believed, but it turned out to be nothing more than a filthy lie. I'm angry and I know who I blame.

I love you all, and I want you to be happy, life is just too short for sadness and grief. This is the only way I can move on.

Thank you.


♥

Normandie

It's the third world war and I'm in the middle of the new Blitzen. Bullets and bombs keep flying over the Atlantic, every time the phone rings I know it's time to take cover and hope for the best, or the least horrible.

The latest news from Italy is that Lorenzo is in a coma and apparently doesn't get better. I feel so powerless, and all I can do is listen to the news, miles and miles away from him. I wish I could do something, anything, but even if I was there next to his bed he wouldn't hear me. Father keeps telling me to pray, but I can see the slight hesitation in his dark green eyes.

I'm trying to talk to God, but if, as a child, I was certain that he always listened, now I can only hope as I lose one more hour of sleep.

A dream come true

I was born in Los Angeles but grew up in Siena in Italy. It's the most beautiful place in the world when the late evening sun rolls over those soft Tuscan hills, but my father had to move because of his business when I was 8. Until then, my cousin Lorenzo was my best friend in the whole world, and the first person I felt really close to. I've always been a reserved personality, but with him I felt so much more alive and free.

Since we moved I've been back several times, but it's never been quite the same. Whenever we go there I can't forget that we'll soon have to go home again, and in the end that's all I can think of. Los Angeles is my home, but my heart belongs in Italy, with the rest of my family and Lorenzo.

And now, of course, I've never been more anxious to go back and see him again.

Images

Little by little we're getting a clearer picture of what happened outside of Milano. Bits and pieces of information fly over the Atlantic, but we're still not sure about Lorenzo's condition. We've learned that he was not alone in the car and that the driver had been drinking.

It worries me that the doctors can't give us any straight answers about Lorenzo, but my father says that everything will be alright as long as we pray and keep our hopes up. I guess he's right, he's always taught me to believe and to talk to God whenever I'm feeling lost.

After a few days of being awake 20 hours straight I really need to sleep. Take care of yourselves.

Wide awake

I was just awakened by a phone call, as was my whole family. At this time in the middle of the night it can't be good news and I was right. It seems my dear cousin Lorenzo has been in a car accident somewhere outside of Milano, and is now in the hospital. We don't know much about his condition, but I just wanted you to know that maybe I won't be blogging as much for a couple of days before we find out more.

I wish I could go back to sleep but now it's impossible. We are all just watching the telephone, hoping it will keep silent. In this situation I guess that no news is the best of news.

May the lord be kind to him, dearest cousin.

Don't quit your day job

Another slow morning by the swimming pool, mother rushes past me on her way to the guest house.

- Why won't you get a job, she sighs, looking at me with that sad face. Strong words for someone who's never worked a day in her life. She met my father after high school, fell in love and became his little trophy wife in designer clothes and Mikimoto pearls. Nothing wrong with that, so I say no, I'm going to marry rich, like you. A chill puts her off balance for a second, but she regains her poise and leaves without answering, her precious pride intact.

If I didn't know better I'd think she doesn't want me to be a part of the world that my father acts in, but then again, she knows as little about his business as I do. For all I know he hasn't offered me a job yet, and I'm not sure I'd take it if he did. Being lazy by the pool is just enough for me, right now anyway.

The saviour

The only sensible way of using the constantly shining LA sun is to spend lots of time by your swimming pool. Today, our chef Salvatore made me a dreamy Spaghetti alla Carbonara, with just the right amount of creaminess and a raw egg in the middle. He's a lifesaver, and he should be. My dad personaly handpicked him from a restaurant in Siena in Italy, and made him an offer he couldn't refuse,  so to say.

When my dad sees something he likes he just has to have it and wont back down before he does. I guess it's a strenght in this world, but sometimes it scares me. It's years since I first learned not to ask him what he does for a living, and I know my mother understands that too. It's just easier that way.

A look for the ages

Today I feel like doing nothing but wear dresses.

Dolce guilt

Easter is over and babbo is home again. He woke me up this morning, coming into my room smelling of cool air and Eau Sauvage, still in his overcoat. He kissed me on the cheek and placed a pink paper box beside me. Open it when you're fully awake he whispered and silently walked out. As a child I was always happy when he came home with precious gifts he had bought on his business trips, but nowadays I always get a weird ambivalent feeling from it. I'm still thankful, but I think he does it mostly out of guilt over leaving me so often. I guess it means that he loves me and wishes he could spend more time at home, but if he actually did it would be worth more than any haute couture piece in the world.

I went back to sleep a little later, hugging my new pearl white Dolce&Gabbana cashmere sweater. 

A sinner?

As I've said, Easter is supposedly important to my family. Yet business seems to be even more important to my father since he suddenly left us late last night. After receiving a simple phone call he excused himself and said he would be back on Wednesday. He didn't even say where he was going.

I got upset and somehow managed to sneak out and go to Avy's house. Her mom opened the door, smelling of pot and alcohol, and did almost not seem to recognize me. I felt so lost, confused and alone sitting on Avy's bed in her room upstairs, but when she came out of the shower in a bra and panties and wrapped a Burberry blanket around herself, I thought: is this not what God intended?

This morning I woke up next to her and left before she woke up. I wanted to preserve that feeling of perfect innocence and not spoil it by talking too much.

(Sorry sweetie, I'll call you later.)

Much love.

Cross my heart

In a little while, I can breathe again. This day, Good Friday, has been one of sadness and grief. We have mourned Jesus Christ and silently thought about his sacrifice for humanity. I know I'm supposed to be humbled with shame and guilt, but I'm not. It bothers me for the sake of my family that raised me in the Catholic tradition. I want to feel what they feel and be one of them, but I keep feeling left out. I know it's my own fault for not believing hard enough or in the right way, but I don't know what to do about it. Instead, I keep quiet when father asks me if I'm greatful for what Jesus did for us. I try to nod like I really mean it, and avoid looking at him. I'm the worst liar, and that makes me hate lying even more.

It's not that I don't believe, I'm just not ashamed like I should be. I'm trying to work on it and I hope that the ones who care can see it.

A doubting sceptic

Holy Thursday, the day of the Cenacolo. Easter has always been important to my family, because of our religion of course. Both my parents were born to be catholics, and so, by blood, I am too. As a child I never questioned the doctrines, they were there for a reason and who was I to think differently? Who was I to dispute a cultural heritage that had been in the family for hundreds if not thousands of years? I went along and even came to love the traditions, the closeness, the church.

But as the years passed and I got older, I started seeing all the evil in the world. Not close at hand, but from a distance. I've always been sheltered, for better or for for worse, but I'm not blind. I began to wonder how it was possible for the world to be evil if God is good, but I hadn't yet understod there was a name for that contradiction.

Now I do.

The ocean stays the same

The view of an ocean never changes. Niether time nor weather alters its horizon, it stays the same, as it has always been, and it could be situated just about anywhere in the world.

It reminds me of LA. My parents came here from Italy, Avy's father was Swedish, I have friends from Japan, Australia, Mexico and France, all with different cultural heritages and habits. Isn't it strange how we all ended up in this city where the seasons never change and everything is measured in money and appearence.

In one sense it's a good thing that people are free to go wherever they want, in another it feels like the end of some imaginary road. A final destination, a last resting place for the soon-to-be dead.

The City of Angels. How ironic.

Home is where my heart is

Back in the US, always with that nagging feeling of ambiguity. This is home as in where my house is, but it's not where I love to be the most. Isn't that what a home is all about, a place where you feel like you belong, always?

My family is Italian, my blood is filled with the scents and impressions of beautiful Toscana.

And at the same time I know I'll get over it in a day or two and feel at home here as well. It's just the hours in between that kill me every time.

Love, amore,
S

Vintage heaven

I'm in love, sono innamorata. This city is so beautiful, I wish we could stay here forever. Walking in Trastevere at night is heaven, everything is fashion here.

Dad is taking me out for dinner at La Pergola, I'm going in my newly found vintage Kenzo dress. Cute, yes?

City of angels

Yes, I know that's another name for Los Angeles, but in Rome I've found a contestant for the title. This is the view from the top of the Scalinata della Santissima Trinità dei Monti, or the Spanish Steps in English. The street leading away from the piazza is the Via dei Condotti. Here I find my angels lined up like a gateway to heaven: Prada, Gucci, Dior, Fendi, Valentino, Ferragamo... You'll have to forgive me if I wallow in indulgence here, but isn't this what life tastes like at its very finest?

I just bought these darling Gucci boots for my il mio carissimo babbo, he's so worth the €1200. Now to find something for myself, it's back to the streets.

A dopo,
S

To leave

Up and about but barely awake. Today I'm going to Rome with my father, he says he has some business to attend to and asked me to come. It's only for two days, but I'm sure I'll have time to go up and down the Corso, Via Condotti and Via Babuino a few times. So the next time you'll see me I'll hopefully be wearing something soft, airy and transparent, as a tribute to spring.

Un bacio,
S

#1

Dear blog. I'm the one my sweetest Avy calls S. I'll be here for a while if you don't mind. I'll nurture you and care for you, like friends do, like friends should. You're my friend, and I'll tell you everything if you just let me. Please have patience with me. I'll try to make it worth your while.

Love.
S.