Out and about tonight

Life is so much better here in New York, at least that's the way I feel now. I've always lived in a fantasy but La La Land is more like a bad dream. Avy talks about a plastic surface, I know what she means. Here, it's almost as if the houses have been there forever, as if the best of Europe packed its bags and went overseas.

Those of you that have been here know what I'm talking about, no? There is glamor and style here like nowhere else, this dream world suits me just fine. Avy takes me out, we go to all the department stores, shop for cocktail dresses and wear them at hotel bars late at night.

Chloe is here too, I don't know her well but she could be Avy's reflection in the mirror. They share something, sometimes I feel so very different around them but sometimes everything is just the way it should be.

Where will we go?

Avy and I have stopped communicating, I read her blog but I don't know if she's reading mine. Everything she writes gets to me, I take it personally and wonder why she doesn't mention me anymore. We should be friends, she should love me like I love her, but who knows if she still does.

We met before Chloe, before Henry, even before Carl. It's a history I don't want to lose, if I did I would have nothing. It breaks my heart, the thought of it, and for what? I don't even have the right to tell her what to do and what not to do with Henry, but it really hurts me and I wish she would understand that.

So know I drink wine as if there's no tomorrow, just in case there actually isn't.

NYC ghosts

I've been calmer these past days, maybe awaiting a storm. We all have so many ghosts from our past - Avy has her father and Carl, Chloe has parts of her family and I have Henry. He deserved so much better, I treated him like the air I breathe and never even told him I was going away. And so yesterday as we went out to a bar I suddenly thought I saw him in the crowd. I froze, unable to look away, but if it was him I don't think he noticed me.

And now I'm thinking: what if it was? What if it wasn't? I know the world is a small place but can it be that small? Was he here looking for me? So many stupid ideas, one crazier than the other, but that's the way my mind's been working lately.

Avy and Chloe are sweet, they listen to me and try to help me gather my thoughts. I knew this about Avy but Chloe has always just been her friend to me. It's nice to discover that she is a good person too, one I will miss when I decide to go back to Italy. Hopefully with Tom, who after all is the only man I want to be with right now.