Desperado

Darlings. I know I've been silent for a long time now, but I've been reading your comments and as always they make me smile. I wish I could say that something has happened while I was gone but I only needed some time and space for myself. I sometimes need to get away from everything and everyone and pretend like nobody knows me or who I am. I can walk around any city feeling like a stranger to everybody and it's very liberating.

The last couple of weeks I've missed New York, and Avy. Never Los Angeles, never my mom, always my dad. He's always been good to me even though he doesn't understand me anymore, maybe I need to give him a chance to get to know me again. I think I'll be going back soon, back to America, I need to see people that know and love me. I'm tired of being away from everything and everyone, feeling like a total stranger.

Corpus Domini

It would be a lie to say I just woke up, but it's not entirely false either. I'm proud of myself though, not only did I have the courage to talk to Liah - the naked model - we went out together yesterday. I'm not used to that lifestyle, but all those people watching us while we danced, it did something to me. Or maybe it was just the alcohol.

Speaking of that. I'm afraid to leave my room now, I know my mom would see what I only feel, that I had a little bit too much to drink last night. It's such hypocrisy, what is it to be upset about, really? Corpus Christi, right?

I haven't been thinking about it much lately, but sometimes it hits me that the reason I left my family and went to Italy was because of my doubts about this Catholic faith of mine. It still scares me.



Friends

I finally dared talk to her. She's kind, her name is Liah. She studies art and has lived i California all her life. I must have seemed like a little child, the way I stumbled on the words, but she did everything she could to help me through it.

When I was little I remember how people would think I was strange. It's still there in the back of my head every time I talk to someone, and it always makes me happy when they put up with me for more than 5 minutes.

I'd like to invite her to my house, but another memory from my childhood lingers, my mom's two greatest fears: that I would have no friends or that I would be a lesbian.

On speaking terms

You want to see my drawings, and I'd love the show them to you but I need to ask her first. I don't have the courage to even speak to her yet, but I will, some day.

Communication seems so easy from a distance, you imagine the things you want to say and then when you stand there in front of them you can only remember a fraction of it. Why is that? Some people seem born with the ability to speak, like our president. Does that make them better than the rest of us? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure.

Dad has been gone for a while, in Europe they tell me. Mom lounges around the house in her robe like a movie star but we both know all she ever did in life was marry a rich man. For a long time it was what I wanted too, and I'm happy that things sometimes change.