On speaking terms

You want to see my drawings, and I'd love the show them to you but I need to ask her first. I don't have the courage to even speak to her yet, but I will, some day.

Communication seems so easy from a distance, you imagine the things you want to say and then when you stand there in front of them you can only remember a fraction of it. Why is that? Some people seem born with the ability to speak, like our president. Does that make them better than the rest of us? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure.

Dad has been gone for a while, in Europe they tell me. Mom lounges around the house in her robe like a movie star but we both know all she ever did in life was marry a rich man. For a long time it was what I wanted too, and I'm happy that things sometimes change.

Liberating or afraid

I dreamed about her. I don't know if I should be scared or excited, so I try not to to think too much about it. All my life I've been doing just that, thinking too much, and it never leads to anything good. The happiest people seem to be those who just carry on and don't mind everything that is potentially hurtful. I'll try to be more like them.

And the Avy situation, maybe that's the solution? To just let her go for a while, until I can talk to her without thinking about Henry and how she treated me this summer. I told her, she seemed sad but it's the only fair thing I can do right now. I just can't handle any more drama just now, I need to take care of myself first.

And tonight I'm going to draw naked girls again. Maybe she'll be there, the one I dreamed of.

Fall out of love

I read about storms and it makes me miss seasons changing. I know Avy hates LA because it's always summer here, and I think I feel the same.

Last night I went to my croquis course. I guess I'm a shy catholic school girl after all, the nakedness made me blush whenever I looked up from my drawing. I had to close my eyes but then I saw her even clearer, that girl, standing there in front of me without a thread on her body. I swear she looked at me and smiled, she must have seen how nervous I was.

One week to the next one, and a part of me can't wait to see her again.

Diversions

I have to make a choice but it's so much easier to just pretend like it will go away if I don't. The more I think of it the more impossible it seems, and the more I need to do something else, anything. I have no one to talk to, I always came to Avy in the past but now there's only my reflection in the mirror and she's not talking.

I've decided to take a croquis course, I'll be drawing naked women. If that doesn't take my mind of things I don't know what will. Tom has stopped calling, I want to pick up the phone but that would only complicate things more. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve him. It's better this way.