With a glass of wine

Spring in New York is topped only by summer in bella Toscana. Sunshine, a light breeze, 70 degrees and Tom by my side as we drive through the flowing landscape. Everything is calm and quiet, we seem to be so far away from life and the ordinary everyday that I never want to go back. The only thing I really miss is Avy.

We spent last night in small town called Montalcino, on the top of a mountain with olive trees growing on the hillsides. Looking out into the darkness from a balcony we finally started dancing around the subject of religion and beliefs. He wanted to know something more about my background and I told him about my Catholic family, Sundays in church and the ancient traditions I grew up with. He was silent for what felt like an eternity before he said - in that straight forward way of his - that he's always been an atheist and that the only fairytale he believes in is life itself.

Maybe I should have taken it as an insult to my past, but they way he said it made me feel as if it was nothing but an huge relief. I know I can talk to him and I know that he listens, and maybe he can help me through these doubts I've been having for so long now.

Saluti

Ciao my darlings, I'm still alive! Italy is wonderful as always, I love the fresh spring air and the total sense of freedom. We drive around in a cute little Fiat 500, not going anywhere but ready for anything. It's amazingly liberating, but Tom insists on visiting every old renaissance church we pass. It's very emotional for me, I've done my best to stay away from all that and when we go in and I see all the symbols and feel the power of the traditions it's just so overwhelming.

I want to talk to him about it but it's hard, I don't want to weigh him down with my doubts and a past I mostly just want to forget. On the other hand, maybe it's good to have him with me all the way, so that he understands me better and sees me for who I really am, and once was.

For now I'll be quiet, but a big part of me wants him to know everything there is to know about me. I've never felt like that with anyone ever before. Not even God. I guess that counts for something.

Adventures

A last day in New York, tomorrow Tom and I are going to Italy. We'll live on our own, I haven't told my aunt we're coming. This trip is a way of distancing myself from the past, from the person I was up until the past summer.

I haven't told Henry either, it makes me feel a little bad. He's a good person but being with Tom is just so much easier. We can be silent together, just walk around for hours without saying a word. I can't remember when I felt this relaxed, it must have been years ago.

Oh, he also likes my Victoria's Secret panties, just like Avy. It's cute.

Torna a Surriento

Over the last six months or so I've realized I've been living in a dream world, and just yesterday I was reminded of that world that now seems like my reality. New York is the dream, and everything before that is what I'm trying to run away from.

Dad called. He's always been my hero so explaining myself to him is the hardest part of all this. He doesn't like New York, I don't why but I think he sees it as something sinful. As if LA is any better.

Anyway, he wants me to come back home and is not too happy about the boys I'm seeing. We had an argument over the phone, as I was walking with Tom, he heard it and asked if I was ok. "Let's go to Italy" I said in the heat of the moment. I didn't really mean it but he said yes, so how could I take it back? Why would I? He's my adventure, I want to do everything with him. I think it will be good for me.

Vogue

If I thought having people turn their heads after me on the streets of New York was exhilarating, then that's a whisper compared to being touched by Tom. Maybe I shouldn't be too specific about the details, but that feeling is like nothing I've ever experienced. We were caught in a rain and ran back to his place, he told me to take off my wet clothes and gave me one of his shirts. We sat on a sofa waiting for the dark, listening to traffic rushing through water on the avenue outside. Silence between two people can be awkward or magnetic, this one could be the subject of a thousand novels.

I came back late or maybe early, Avy was already asleep, her breaths sounded like music. Yesterday she took these pictures of me wearing Tom's shirt, he said I could keep it until the next time we meet. It smells like him.