Forza

Italy just beat Germany and reached the final of the European championship. We watched the game of course, Tom, Bruno and I. After it we joined hundreds of fans in the city center dressed in the colors of the nazionale, gli azzurri, waving flags, singing and dancing. In the midst of the rapturous commotion I screamed to Tom, "fuck me", it just happened, I couldn't believe I said it but I did. He just smiled and kissed me and it felt like the happiest moment of my life.

And now I'm already thinking, what if it was? I remember Avy telling me just that some time ago, what if the happiest moment of my life has already passed?

Fear of the dark

I'm only afraid of the dark the moment I wake up from a bad dream. I just did at it's only a quarter to one here. The night is completely black when there are no clouds in the sky, even the village a mile or so away looks like it's sleeping or even dead.

I don't remember what the dream was about but it feels as if had something to do with the past. A childhood memory maybe, the things I'm only now beginning to understand. When I was little I thought that everyone around me was honest and good, and I never processed the fact that maybe they weren't.

I'm going back to bed soon, I just need to stop my heart from racing. It only works when I think of the sun that's coming up tomorrow.

Missing

I sometimes feel as if I have everything I need and want here in Italy: family, culture, good food, peace and calm, and someone I love. But sometimes I'm reminded of the fact that I have two homes and that I've left a lot of things behind in the US. I'm somewhere in between worlds now, still stuck with one foot in my romanticized childhood and the other one in the future I want to create for myself.

I looked through some photo albums yesterday and came across pictures of me and Avy. I had almost forgotten about it but she was here years ago when we were still kids. I don't know what hurt me most, the thought of lost times or my missing her. Maybe a little of both.

Insecurities under the skin

Going through my blog I seem to be wearing less and less clothes as time progresses. It's not intentional, but at the same time it feels good since I've always been a shy person. So many girls post half naked pictures of themselves just to get validation when they feel lousy, and that is very sad. I validate myself by daring to show my body, and I don't care what other people think. If they like it, fine, it they don't they don't have to watch.

Tom is a photographer by that way, even if he doesn't like to be called that. He's taken most of my pictures lately, but he never lets me take any of him. Another crack in the armor maybe? Either way I like it when he demonstrates those human qualities, his little insecurities are just spots on a shiny fabric, nothing to be sad about. He's a very healthy person, and he makes me feel like one too.

Fantasies

Gli Azzurri did well against Spain, Tom thinks it's really sexy with a girl who cares about sports. He doesn't understand football though, American as he is. "Why doesn't anything happen" he asked the first time we watched a game, now he's learned a little more and doesn't complain as much. I think it's sexy that he's trying, even though he's not as engaged as me or Bruno.

After the match we went for a long walk in the dark, the smell of grass and the sound of crickets surrounded us. We talked about everything but the everyday life we must return to sooner or later. It's a frightening topic, we both want to avoid it as if that would mean escaping the reality of things. We know we can't, but pretending is worth plenty.

Pink

Last night I fell asleep next to Tom but I had a dream about Henry. I don't know what it means, I was changing clothes in my room when he opened the door and saw me in my underwear, and I liked it. I woke up all warm, my heart beating like crazy. I had to tell Tom, he just laughed and said he can watch me change any time I like.

He's so confident, it's one of the things I like about him. I've always been shy but he brings out something different in me too, another person who's much more daring and bold. I like that person. The fact that I managed to scare Tom with the talk about my family is my secret trump card, I'll only play it if I really have to but it's nice to know it's there.