Returning

I'm going home, it's time now. I've said goodbye to my new friends and am now preparing to meet my old ones. Or one, I should say. I'd be worried about what my dad might have to say when I get back, but I've heard from my aunt that he's finally accepted some guilt in this situation. Not for what happened but for past events, long before I was even born. I don't know if that should make me happy, but at least I know the changes are permanent now. I'm a small part in this context, and I forgive him. Remains to been seen how life will turn out when everything returns to normal, whatever that is.

The money we spend

Hi everyone, how are you?

I'm still in London but I've switched hotels to a smaller and less expensive one. The strangest thing happened to me this weekend, I was out with Avy's friend and her group and I ended up taking them back to my room. One of the girls asked me how I could afford such luxury and it dawned on me that I'm not paying for my life, my dad is. That might not be a weird thing when you're in your early twenties, but I've never even planned for another future. I thought the events of the last months had made me into a different person but apparently I still have a lot to learn.

...and I miss Avy. Reading about her Halloween just made want to be there with her, back to how everything was before this strange summer. I want to go out with her again, get drunk and go to sleep next to her. I want to wake up with the smell of her hair in my nose. My best friend, my life.

Lost

I knew it wasn't far away, and last night I had a dream about Lorenzo. We were alone together on a summer field, chasing butterflies and laughing. Too good to be true but still so very real, and I woke up in the darkness with heavy traffic outside my window. I call it mine now, I've been in London a few weeks but it's beginning to feel like home.

Avy's friend is sweet, I can talk to her. Tomorrow I'll wander the streets by myself again, I need some time to get back to reality, whatever that is.

It's now or never

Ok, all or nothing, I'm going out to meet Avy's friend. My heart is pounding, I'm such a coward. Also, I'm realizing that I've never really had any friends, at least not more than one or two. That's what makes me so socially awkward, it has to be. Well, never too late for second chances, right? I hope she brings some more people so I don't have to do too much talking, I'm better at listening, for better or for worse.

For the first time in months I really miss my family.

Lost in translation

I can't believe how fast time passes, I've already been here a week. Mostly watching TV in my hotel room but out and about too, on my own. Last night I called for room service and made the poor concierge sit down on my bed to listen to me talk for almost an hour. I think he felt sorry for me while wondering what a young American girl was doing in that suite all alone. He had the manners not to ask and turned down my attempt to tip him. I don't know how to take that.

I miss Avy, and I have to call her tomorrow. I would feel like a total idiot if I went to London for over a week without even seeing her friend once. My oh my.

On the road again.

I'm in London, about to go to bed. I checked in to the Hilton, Avy told me I could probably visit her friend that lives here but I'm too shy. Now I feel stupid because I'm all alone and not sure what to do.

It was hard leaving Italy and my aunt, but I got tired of the countryside and the quiet war between her and my father. Like I said, I understand him better now but I'm also more afraid. Of my whole family, its history, the future. It's so weird that the Italians never speak of the mafia, when everyone knows it's there all the time. It's like a cancer, and I guess people hope that ignoring it will make it go away. Well, I know I will never be able to forget it ever again. Good or bad.