Blood and water

Time passes in the Tuscan countryside, slowly, the way I like it. Drifting further away from the thought of returning, further away from the hurtful memories. It happened here, but strangely enough it's easier to deal with it when I'm away from home. Everything back there is tainted with the poison of lies and fairytales, here the truth seems so much more obvious.

Dad wants to talk to me but I keep pretending I'm not in when he calls. My aunt forwards my words because she thinks I'm on her side whem I'm really standing in the middle. She should understand why he's afraid to come back, but somewhere she must have forgotten, and she just blames him for being so far away. I guess they love each other more than they dare admit.

Alive

Yes, I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a month but there's a reason for that. I went to Italy to get away from everything, and as soon as I go to the computer I'm back home again, mentally. I've needed this time to process my thoughts so I hope you don't mind too much.

My aunt and my father keep fighting over the phone, I hear everything but keep from asking questions. Over the past week I've learned things I never knew about my family and its history. It's not a pretty picture. I'll tell you more about it later, but now it's lunch in the garden.

Un bacio.

S.

Un italiano vero

Another lazy day, I'm slowly adjusting to a new way of life. Sitting in the shade, reading Vogue Italia, taking care of myself.

I hear my aunt talking to dad on the phone, she's upset. She talks to him in a 200 mph Italian, gesturing with her entire body. I pretend not to listen but I already know what they are saying, I've heard it all before. Dad is not a "real" Italian since he gave up and moved to America. He should never have abandoned such a big part of his family, and for something so cheap and superficial!

The only thing I can't figure out is if my aunt really wanted to go too, if she feels left behind or just let down. The way she talks about California and Los Angeles - contemptuously - doesn't quite cover the little traces of envy in her voice.

From Toscana with love

Sorry for the lack of pictures in my last post, I forgot my camera as I was going out. It won't happen again :)

First "real" night in Italy, because of the jetlag. Strolling down the litte streets in Siena, stoping at a restaurant, having a tiramisu and an espresso... I'm so torn between these two cultures, the american and the italian. I don't know where I'm most at home, maybe I love it here just because it's new and it's not where I have my everyday life. I feel a little lost but I hope that this trip will help me regain some confidence and faith in my situation.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going for a drive in the countryside, I can't wait. It's now 10.45 PM and I'm going to bed. Take care everyone, goodnight.

Sick and tired

This past weekend was a complete disaster. Instead of me getting to know that boy (Avy calls him Henry) a little more, I ended up being back on square one. We had fun at Avy's house and then we went out together, but after just an hour I found him flirting with some blonde bimbo in high heels and a floral dress. Probably a fashion blogger.

I left without saying anything, and he hasn't called since, so I guess that's it. The thing is that I don't know if I care, maybe I just liked the attention.

Anyway, I can't really think straight here anymore so I've bought a plane ticket to Italy and I'm leaving first thing in the morning. I'll live with my aunt for a couple of weeks, dad couldn't be happier. I guess he thinks that I'm finally going back to the nice little person I was before all this happened, but that won't happen.

Talk to you soon darlings. Ciao.