3, 2, 1...

I'm alone again, Tom has gone back to the US for some important meeting. We parted on good terms and he's coming back in a week or so, but I really needed this time for myself. Bruno is still here but we don't bother each other, we have lunch and dinner together and then go off to our separate lives.

I came here to get away from my past, but it sort of followed me all the way across the ocean. I'm not going to give up though, I can't, I need to keep trying. Being alone helps, I will use this time to not care about anyone or anything other than myself. Not even my so called best friend and her new lover.

Where will we go?

Avy and I have stopped communicating, I read her blog but I don't know if she's reading mine. Everything she writes gets to me, I take it personally and wonder why she doesn't mention me anymore. We should be friends, she should love me like I love her, but who knows if she still does.

We met before Chloe, before Henry, even before Carl. It's a history I don't want to lose, if I did I would have nothing. It breaks my heart, the thought of it, and for what? I don't even have the right to tell her what to do and what not to do with Henry, but it really hurts me and I wish she would understand that.

So know I drink wine as if there's no tomorrow, just in case there actually isn't.

Images

Someone told me that love is selfish and I think they were right. I'm letting all of this get to me because I can't handle the fact that Henry is touching someone else, kissing her, undressing her, throwing her Alexander McQueen dress on a floor on the other side of the ocean. I picture it when Tom wants to sleep with me and I have to tell him I'm tired, then turn around to not show him how ashamed I am of myself.

One of these days I have to tell him what it's all about or I'll lose him too. He's too good for this, I want to love him and only him, the way he deserves, and be happy. I want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but I know there is no such thing as protection. No matter how close you get to someone, you're always alone in the end.

Falling apart

The summer is still getting hotter and hotter but my mind is somewhere else. Tom notices and asks me what's wrong, I lie and tell him I have a headache. It kills me, I could never let him know the reason I'm down is someone I loved, Henry, another man. The worst thing is I don't know if I still love him or if I just don't want Avy to have him. She's my best friend, the only girl who's ever been close to me, but the more I think about them together the more I start to hate her.

I called her yesterday to tell her that, and when I did I heard him talking in the background. If she doesn't have a guilty conscience she sure is a hell of an actress.

Do you still fear me?

I know that my dad made a very brave decision when he left most of his family behind and moved to America. I also get the feeling that he probably had to, because that's how things work here. Kay said it best in The Godfather: it never ends. That's why it hurt me when I realized that even his friends resented him for leaving, they saw it as giving up.

And maybe he did, but if he hadn't, who knows what would have happened. I feel it sometimes when I meet people from the past, they look at me in a certain way, as if I'm him even though I was just a few years old when we left. I have so much to prove, and not only to myself, but the worst part is I can never expect them to understand.

My favorite pastime

On top of the food we drink way too much, I'm constantly drunk from red wine, Limoncello and various sorts of Grappa. Tom takes it better than me, I'm a wreck in the mornings and late at night I can wake up wanting to undress him and myself and do, well, you get the picture. I think he likes it but he acts as if he's used to it. I have never asked him about his old girlfriends and he hasn't asked me, not that I have anything to say.

And that's maybe the only thing that scares me about us. I've only really been with him, and a short little fling with Henry. How can I know how anything else might have been, or might become somewhere along the way?