Desperado

Darlings. I know I've been silent for a long time now, but I've been reading your comments and as always they make me smile. I wish I could say that something has happened while I was gone but I only needed some time and space for myself. I sometimes need to get away from everything and everyone and pretend like nobody knows me or who I am. I can walk around any city feeling like a stranger to everybody and it's very liberating.

The last couple of weeks I've missed New York, and Avy. Never Los Angeles, never my mom, always my dad. He's always been good to me even though he doesn't understand me anymore, maybe I need to give him a chance to get to know me again. I think I'll be going back soon, back to America, I need to see people that know and love me. I'm tired of being away from everything and everyone, feeling like a total stranger.

Where will we go?

Avy left but it's alright, sometimes I think I love her more when we're apart. There are moments when I wonder how much she really needs me but deep down I know that she does. She's the sort of person I trust in, always, she doesn't have to say much for me to know what she's thinking and feeling.

I'm getting tired of Venice, the smell and the tourists. I don't want to go back to America just yet but I think I have to change something. Elise has to stay for another month, maybe I'll wait for her and bring her with me. I haven't seen much of her lately but I know she wants to see the rest of Italy too.

Where would you go if nothing could stop you?

In which she sits on a couch

My last weekend with Avy here, she told me she was leaving over dinner yesterday. I understand her, this is my country more than hers. We ate and drank at the Antica Besseta, just the two of us, like lovers. This city is so grimy and gray after sunset, the alcohol helps to make it more colorful.

So I'll be alone again, even though I have Elise. It's not the same, she doesn't know me like Avy does and maybe it's a good thing. I hate being stuck, when I meet new people I feel as if I can start all over again. I just don't know what to do with that freedom.

Home at last

Avy is here, I couldn't believe it until I saw her getting out of the taxi in Piazzale Roma, always with the movie star style sunglasses and high heels. We haven't talked much since, maybe there's nothing to talk about, and it doesn't matter as long as she's close to me again. I know she can't stay forever but for the first time in almost a year I feel at home somehow.

It rains here too, spring doesn't seem to be anywhere near but the sunlight is beautiful and I'm looking forward to warmer days. Some people are trying to convince you that shopping won't make you happy but they're wrong. I only have to close my eyes and imagine a summer dress from Ferragamo. If only everything else in life was that simple.

Habemus Papam

I know it's been a while but the election of the new pope has been on my mind ever since it happened. I watched it on CNN, one part of me was disgusted and another part wanted to be there, in Rome. Some of you that have been with me from the beginning know that I've had to challenge my faith, and I still struggle with it every single day.

One part of me saw a bizarre, almost appalling ceremony taking place behind closed door, and a single man being presented to the people as if he was the great savior we've only been waiting for. The other part saw men and women gathering over something they all believe in, instead of being divided but everything that sets them apart from each other.

I still have those two images before me and I'm trying not to make the choice between them. They're incompatible but both are true at the same time. I've asked Avy to come join me for Easter, it would take my mind off things seeing her again.

Lost time

I should have gotten more involved with people I met when I was younger. I think about it now, all the places I've been to and I was always just caught in my own bubble, obsessed with every aspect of life except the things that really mattered. I could have had so many friends, I could have had so many more memories but all I did was dream myself away to the next place.

I didn't see it like that then, it's only now that I realize how I wanted to get away from wherever I was, and that I was never satisfied. I had an amazing childhood but it could have been even better, even more. What I'm afraid of now is what will happen if that innocence is forever lost, that I will never again be able to go back to how I was and see life things through the eyes I have now.