I've been asleep for so long

I think Avy is right, I'm slowly waking up. I'm becoming more and more of a woman and less of that innocent and cute little girl I've been all my life.

It's feels like electricity through my whole body when I sense that someone is watching me, when I imagine what they are thinking. It's not an entirely new sensation, but I've never before wanted to embrace it this much. Just letting Avy take these pictures of me on Valentine's was exciting, Salvatore has done it before but that was different somehow. He's after all a part of my family.

Tomorrow I'm going out on my first real date with Tom, I can't wait. I feel a little bad about leaving Avy behind, but she's a big girl who can take care of herself. I'm so happy to be here with her, she's opening my eyes to a world I hardly knew existed. Now it feels as if anything can happen, if I only let it. New York, I love you.

Second chances

I'm in wonderland, going to jazz clubs and bars, finding little vintage shops or just walking around with Avy.

Yesterday we were at a small café, I had called Tom in advance and asked him to meet us there. Suddenly I hear a voice in my ear saying "hey there beautiful", just like in a movie. He's so confident, like a man, when he walks into a room everyone notices him. I do like Henry too but his charm is so much more boyish, and I don't know if that's what I need right now.

Either way I have to talk to him before I do anything here, it's just nice to know I have options. It sounds terribly selfish, I know, but I've always been the good girl and I'm a little sick of it. It's time for me to grow up and start aiming for the things I really like and want. Don't you agree?

Finally there

New York is amazing, of all the cities I've ever been to this is the one I love the most. I've always struggled with my identity, not knowing if I feel more American or European, but here it's as if it doesn't matter. I get the same feeling in Paris or London, but this is just so much bigger in very aspect.

And of course, seeing Avy again is wonderful, especially now that we can reinvent ourselves and do whatever we like. We're staying in her mother's apartment in Manhattan, it's like a dream come true. Most of the time we're alone, and when we're not we eat and drink together which is also nice. I feel like an adult for the first time since this summer.

Now it just remains to be seen if I have the courage to see Tom.

Three pieces of news

Today I made three decisions that are all connected to each other and I feel good about all of them. First, I called that number I had forgotten. His name is Tom, he's from New York and has a very charming voice. He sounds a little like Casey Affleck when he talks. To me that's a good thing.

Second, I called Avy who is currently in New York, and invited myself to go visit her. She could easily have said no but didn't when she heard me reasons for wanting to come. Maybe it's because she doesn't like Henry, but that doesn't matter much.

And third, I've decided to give away my first product, my bracelet, inspired by what Avy did with her jacket. So, I'll use the same rules she did. If you want the bracelet you will have to follow my blog, post a comment here saying you're in, and publish a motivation as to why I should pick you on your own blog.

This way I'm starting my own little business, and I will present other things I've done soon. My next project is a skirt that I think will be very cute!

Now off to bed, finally. Love you all / S

Forgive us our trespasses

Those of you who have been with me from the start know that I had a life altering summer. What happened then led me to doubt my faith, the faith I grew up with as a part of a catholic family. I realized that I had never really thought about those issues, and when I did it all seemed so unlikely. Why would a God that is said to be kind and loving allow there to be misery, hardship and death on earth?

I know that this is a famous problem, but it doesn't get real until you're faced with such a situation yourself. At first I couldn't forgive God for killing my cousin, but in time I even started to lose my faith in His existence. It's not easy to give up something you've carried with you ever since you were born, but I don't see another way out. I just can't go back to believing the way I did before all this happened, it opened my eyes to another reality, for better or worse.

The thing I miss the most is of course the idea of believing in something. I can no longer imagine a heaven after death, just a big emptiness, and I realize how comforting it can be to believe. Dad doesn't talk about it but I know he's heartbroken over this. I feel as if I have let him down, but then I remember everything he told me when I was a child and it all seems like a collection of lies. It didn't matter how much I wanted to believe in God's goodness, he took my cousin away from me anyway, and none of the answers my family gave me were enough, they just made me want to ask more questions.

I still carry the cross around my neck, but it feels like a charade. I'm true to my heritage but not to myself, and that still hurts.