New friends

It's so strange, whenever I try or want to be alone I end up meeting new friends. I had only been in Venice a week when someone started talking to me in the Ferragamo store. We tried on clothes together and went out for drinks in the evening. She's British with a French mother but lives and studies in Venice, her name is Elise and it feels as if we can talk about everything.

Not that I've told her everything about me of course, yet. Not many people know how I grew up and how my family is, and I've been gathering the strength to tell someone for years. I don't know what good it would do me but I think it's something I have to do.

Greetings from another part of the world

Ciao tutti. I've landed in Venice, physically and mentally. It's been hard finding a wireless network (my aunt doesn't believe in the Internet), I'm writing this from a restaurant near the Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari. It's cold compared to LA (48 degrees), but the sun is shining and the light is fantastic.

I've spent my first days just walking around, enjoying the calm safely away from San Marco and the Rialto. There are always tourists here but its much worse during the summer. I remember spending time here with my family when I was little but everything seems so much smaller now. I guess growing up also means that the world becomes less indefinite, for better or for worse.

Something new

So I've been saying I need to find myself, or grow up, or something that means change from what I've been up until now. It's easier said than done, of course, we are who we are but I refuse to believe in destiny or the pre-determined. If we can't change then there's no point in going on, and I want to go on. I've seen what life can become and now I want to get it for myself.

I'm going to Italy again, that's where I feel most at peace with everything. I need it to start all over, if this is to become the year when it all happens. Venice I think, I have family there and I will contact them when I get there. A small part of me is hoping I will have to find my own way, that would be the bigger adventure.

But tonight it's all about the goodbyes. The see-you-laters. The I-will-always-love-you-and-you-will-be-in-my-heart-wherever-I-gos. You know, the little things, with Avy.



 

Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

The road is long

I haven't been here in a while, thank you all for still being around. It's not that I've forgotten about it, it's not that I have nothing to say, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts. 2012 was that sort of year, so much happened and I tried so hard to change along with them. In the end I didn't, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the same timid and narrow-minded little girl I was 12 months ago.

Salvatore came to New York, he called me and we met up. I've spent a lot of time with him, both because it reminded me of my life back in LA and because he's good to me. He understands me, I think he always has. He's seen me as something more than others have and it means a lot to me.

I'm rambling, but what I want to say is this: I won't give up. I don't want to be the person I've been up until now, I want to change because I have to. I'm not 15 anymore, I've grown up and now it's time to become that older version of myself.

Happy new year

I got another easy escape for New Year's Eve. All of sudden, out of the blue, someone called me. Nobody ever does, except for mom when she doesn't know where I am. Daddy always sends me e-mails, and Avy has been here with me all week.

This time it was Salvatore, our chef from Los Angeles. He was on his vacation and decided to go to New York, somehow he knew I was here and called me. We spent New Year's together out on the streets, everywhere but on Times Square.

We came back late to his hotel room, he was the perfect gentleman as always and slept on the couch so I could have the bed. The next day we just walked around in Little Italy and Chinatown, it almost feels like "home", whatever that is these days. I think I will have to do some thinking about what my identity will be this year. Consider that my first 2013 resolution.