Having her here, inches away, holding her hand while she sleeps silently in my bed, I remember so vividly what it Always felt like. It's as if nothing ever came between us, as if I never left and as if she never left and as if we haven't started something new but always just kept going.

My heart stood still for so many months and forgot to count them because there was never time and I never had the energy. My lungs have filtered so much air without her breath and now she's lying here, skin soft like silk, I have to touch her to know that it's all for real. If I die tomorrow it would all be worth it, a perfect dream that never has to end.

I love you.



Hold your breath and listen closely to the whispering. Voices are calling out to her, telling her to come. If she will, if she wants to, I am here waiting for her and so is the city. It's getting cold but I feel my blood stream rushing like electricity.


For ever

The things we do to each other, hoping we will never again have to see the ones we used to love for what they really were.



Post script

My only love, I need you to fill this void in my silent heart, I need you to remember the things we shared together, just the two of us. We were young until one day we weren't but I know that there is still time for us to hold hands under the velvet sky and fall asleep to the sound of our breaths like fire.



My New Year's resolutions, unedited:

1) Letting people know I'm alive by writing here more often
2) Writing about the things that really matter, about the people and the things I care about and that make me want to be a better person
3) Never forgetting that things and people can change, even I

I love all of you so very much.


There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so

I've been in New York two weeks now, frantically afraid of running into someone I know, hiding behind my sunglasses and excessive make-up. Conscience doth make cowards of us all. I finally managed to call Avy an hour or so ago, she didn't recognize my voice when I said hello so I guess it's been too long.

Italy was good to me, as it always is but I need things to change now, in whatever way. Tomorrow never felt more real or frightening but maybe it's a good thing.

Today I'm washing away the make-up and I'm ready to stare into the sun on Fifth Avenue. Avy is coming to meet me and sometimes I forget what she looks like and how it feels to hold her close.