Happy new year

I got another easy escape for New Year's Eve. All of sudden, out of the blue, someone called me. Nobody ever does, except for mom when she doesn't know where I am. Daddy always sends me e-mails, and Avy has been here with me all week.

This time it was Salvatore, our chef from Los Angeles. He was on his vacation and decided to go to New York, somehow he knew I was here and called me. We spent New Year's together out on the streets, everywhere but on Times Square.

We came back late to his hotel room, he was the perfect gentleman as always and slept on the couch so I could have the bed. The next day we just walked around in Little Italy and Chinatown, it almost feels like "home", whatever that is these days. I think I will have to do some thinking about what my identity will be this year. Consider that my first 2013 resolution.

So this is Christmas

I love Christmas, maybe because it's always been the time of year when my family looks the happiest. I look at the pictures from my childhood sometimes, mom in her flowing dresses and mio caro babbo wearing knitted sweaters for a change. Salvatore preparing all the food and the lights and the tree and the gifts.

We were still in Italy back then, America wasn't even an option at the time. Mom talked condescendingly about that superficial country across the ocean, it's funny how she turned out herself after a couple of years in Los Angeles.

I don't remember it of course, I can only derive what I felt from the pictures and it seems I was happy too. And why wouldn't I be, I never understood what was luring in the background, I never saw those dark clouds hanging over us, and I wouldn't for years to come. Now that I do, all I want is to ignore them and go back to those happy times when everything seemed so easy.

When I wish upon a star.

Landing softly

I've woken up in my own bed four days in a row now. Mom is out by the pool early in the morning, Salvatore makes me breakfast and no one asks me any questions. It bothered me at first but now I think it's exactly what I need. I feel calm, I can breathe again and nothing seems so important that it can't wait for a few hours.

And my best friend. When I try, when I really try, I'm not even angry. I don't know what it would be like to see her but I imagine her hugging me and telling me she's missed me. I want to call her but I'm afraid it might not turn out that way so I let it wait for a few hours. There's plenty of time still.

Square one

I came home yesterday, to Los Angeles. I rang the door bell, my mother let me in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "He isn't here" she said, referring to my father, before I even asked. I had been away for months and at dinner a couple of hours later it was as if nothing had happened. No one asked me where I had been, what I had done, how I was. Mom talked about herself and Salvatore sat in silence for an hour.

I would have felt guilty, but she talked to me, not just past me like she usually does. I guess it means she cares somehow, maybe even that she missed me, but she didn't have the courage to ask any questions.

And speaking of courage, I'm tired of hiding behind a letter. I did it to protect my family but I'm not sure what from. My name isn't just S, it's Stephanie. Hello everyone.