Sweetlings

I can't believe it's been almost two months since I last posted something here. It happens to me always, I close my eyes and when I open them again half a lifetime has already passed. I wonder if someone missed me while I was gone but realize they would have contacted me if they did.

I'm in Rome, I've been here for a couple of weeks with my dad. He acts as if nothing has happened between us, like I wasn't away from him for almost a year without calling. In a way it's a good thing, I can pretend too and be that little innocent girl I was for so long.

He's promised to take me to Milano soon, I remember lazy lunches at the Rinascente in the middle of the hot summer and how he would buy me pretty things just because he loved me.

Where will we go?

Avy left but it's alright, sometimes I think I love her more when we're apart. There are moments when I wonder how much she really needs me but deep down I know that she does. She's the sort of person I trust in, always, she doesn't have to say much for me to know what she's thinking and feeling.

I'm getting tired of Venice, the smell and the tourists. I don't want to go back to America just yet but I think I have to change something. Elise has to stay for another month, maybe I'll wait for her and bring her with me. I haven't seen much of her lately but I know she wants to see the rest of Italy too.

Where would you go if nothing could stop you?

Greetings from another part of the world

Ciao tutti. I've landed in Venice, physically and mentally. It's been hard finding a wireless network (my aunt doesn't believe in the Internet), I'm writing this from a restaurant near the Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari. It's cold compared to LA (48 degrees), but the sun is shining and the light is fantastic.

I've spent my first days just walking around, enjoying the calm safely away from San Marco and the Rialto. There are always tourists here but its much worse during the summer. I remember spending time here with my family when I was little but everything seems so much smaller now. I guess growing up also means that the world becomes less indefinite, for better or for worse.

Something new

So I've been saying I need to find myself, or grow up, or something that means change from what I've been up until now. It's easier said than done, of course, we are who we are but I refuse to believe in destiny or the pre-determined. If we can't change then there's no point in going on, and I want to go on. I've seen what life can become and now I want to get it for myself.

I'm going to Italy again, that's where I feel most at peace with everything. I need it to start all over, if this is to become the year when it all happens. Venice I think, I have family there and I will contact them when I get there. A small part of me is hoping I will have to find my own way, that would be the bigger adventure.

But tonight it's all about the goodbyes. The see-you-laters. The I-will-always-love-you-and-you-will-be-in-my-heart-wherever-I-gos. You know, the little things, with Avy.



 

Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

Babbo Natale

I've never been good with change, I like to keep things the way they are even when I'm not really happy. Not that I'm an unhappy person, I'm just a little bit dark and I think I've always been.

The biggest change in my life, of course, was moving away from Italy. America meant nothing to me then, I didn't know what was waiting on the other side of that ocean. And I remember my last Italian Christmas like it was yesterday. How everyone was there, my whole family, my parents, my cousin.

They were fantastic times, nothing has ever come close to it since. Maybe it's like that for everyone, that a childhood always glows like diamonds as we get older, but that's the way I truly remember it. And I'm afraid that I'll never feel like that again, even though I may be happier in another way.

Dad got me a silver necklace, I still wear it sometimes. It reminds me of how beautiful everything seemed and how I thought it would never change.

So this is Christmas

I love Christmas, maybe because it's always been the time of year when my family looks the happiest. I look at the pictures from my childhood sometimes, mom in her flowing dresses and mio caro babbo wearing knitted sweaters for a change. Salvatore preparing all the food and the lights and the tree and the gifts.

We were still in Italy back then, America wasn't even an option at the time. Mom talked condescendingly about that superficial country across the ocean, it's funny how she turned out herself after a couple of years in Los Angeles.

I don't remember it of course, I can only derive what I felt from the pictures and it seems I was happy too. And why wouldn't I be, I never understood what was luring in the background, I never saw those dark clouds hanging over us, and I wouldn't for years to come. Now that I do, all I want is to ignore them and go back to those happy times when everything seemed so easy.

When I wish upon a star.

Forza

Italy just beat Germany and reached the final of the European championship. We watched the game of course, Tom, Bruno and I. After it we joined hundreds of fans in the city center dressed in the colors of the nazionale, gli azzurri, waving flags, singing and dancing. In the midst of the rapturous commotion I screamed to Tom, "fuck me", it just happened, I couldn't believe I said it but I did. He just smiled and kissed me and it felt like the happiest moment of my life.

And now I'm already thinking, what if it was? I remember Avy telling me just that some time ago, what if the happiest moment of my life has already passed?

Missing

I sometimes feel as if I have everything I need and want here in Italy: family, culture, good food, peace and calm, and someone I love. But sometimes I'm reminded of the fact that I have two homes and that I've left a lot of things behind in the US. I'm somewhere in between worlds now, still stuck with one foot in my romanticized childhood and the other one in the future I want to create for myself.

I looked through some photo albums yesterday and came across pictures of me and Avy. I had almost forgotten about it but she was here years ago when we were still kids. I don't know what hurt me most, the thought of lost times or my missing her. Maybe a little of both.

Back to basics

We're together again and everything feels fine, for now. I called Avy, just to hear her voice, it's the one connection to America I want to keep.

We spend lazy days just being together, around the house or in the little village. Here, it's sometimes as if time isn't moving and it suits me just fine. I don't want to think about the future, about progress, about setting targets and goals. I came here to get away from life, even though I know there is really no such thing as escaping. You only put yourself in another position, but life goes on and you still have to deal with it. It's just so much easier in the quiet countryside, with only the people you love around.

Un certo sorriso

I'm back in a summery Toscana, it was hard leaving Avy again but at least she's not alone. The evenings here are so warm, when Bruno sits me down on his veranda and brings me a plate of prosciutto I remember the tastes and smells from years ago. It makes me angry, I can see the past but not the future, and what if those lost moments never return to me?

I can't be weak but I am, I miss my family and my childhood because things were so easy back then. I didn't ask any questions because I didn't need to know, it wasn't important. The only thing that mattered was this night and the next morning, spending time with them without a worry, without a single cloud in the sky.

Tom has promised to join me this week. He says he's not scared, I know he's lying but it doesn't matter. I need him here, as someone to lean on when the memories come too close.

In the closets

He called, and I didn't tell him all the things I want to do to him. The tension in the air made it impossible and put me off a little. We didn't say much at all, I wanted to and maybe he did as well but there was too much space between us. I'm afraid that my family and its history is part of it, but I don't know how to ask him. "Dear Tom, are you scared around me?" No, I will have to think of another way. I don't want to push him or risk driving him way, but I can't undo the past either.

One thing bothers me more than the rest though: what did he think we when we first met? That my father was just any other business man? That as a rich Italian family we probably don't have any disturbing secrets hidden away?

Vintage heaven

I'm in love, sono innamorata. This city is so beautiful, I wish we could stay here forever. Walking in Trastevere at night is heaven, everything is fashion here.

Dad is taking me out for dinner at La Pergola, I'm going in my newly found vintage Kenzo dress. Cute, yes?