Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

Thorns

When I was little I always thought I was alone because there was something wrong with me. It didn't make me sad, I just saw myself as different from everyone else. The older I got the more I was angry at people for excluding me, for not giving me the chance to be part of something bigger than myself.

I swore I'd never do that to anyone, and now, that's exactly what I'm doing. When Tom calls I don't answer, I don't know what to say to him. He's such a good person and I do love him, but it just doesn't work.

Does it make me a hypocrite? A bad person? Maybe so, but what can I do?

Diversions

I have to make a choice but it's so much easier to just pretend like it will go away if I don't. The more I think of it the more impossible it seems, and the more I need to do something else, anything. I have no one to talk to, I always came to Avy in the past but now there's only my reflection in the mirror and she's not talking.

I've decided to take a croquis course, I'll be drawing naked women. If that doesn't take my mind of things I don't know what will. Tom has stopped calling, I want to pick up the phone but that would only complicate things more. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve him. It's better this way.

Inferno

One other thing has changed of course, and that's my relation to Tom. At first I thought he was my Vergilius leading my through hell, but somewhere along the way I got lost. He's an amazing person and I really do love him, but I need to become that better version of myself before I can give myself to him.

He calls me every now and then and we talk about everything and nothing. There is so much I want to tell him but I'm afraid he'll be lost forever if I do. It's better to stay quiet until we can be together again.

And obviously, the person standing in the middle of all this, without even knowing it, is Henry.

Where is she?

Someone asked me if I called Avy, and I did. I did but she didn't answer and she didn't call back. Instead she keeps posting stories about her and Henry, as if to annoy me. Does she know I'm reading, does she care? Does she read what I post here? I don't know, how could I when I can't even reach her?

And I know I shouldn't care, Henry is history and I have Tom now, at least I think I do. Maybe that's not the problem, I think that maybe I just need some proper closure. I need to talk to her to be able to go on, to start all over again with myself.

Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, it really does mean the world to me.

Ci vediamo

I've finally decided to go back home, whatever that is. I though I would be able to relax here and I did, the first weeks and maybe for a month, but not anymore. I'm restless in a way I've never been before and I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Have you ever had that feeling?

I called Tom and told him he doesn't need to come back. I think it makes him more sad than me, he loved to be here but this is not forever. I just need to feel at ease again, and then maybe we can go back. Going home to California is an experiment, I have no idea how it will make me feel, but I have no choice. And I do miss some of the people there, Salvatore more than anyone.

I'll write again when I have settled in, thank you all for reading and caring so much.

3, 2, 1...

I'm alone again, Tom has gone back to the US for some important meeting. We parted on good terms and he's coming back in a week or so, but I really needed this time for myself. Bruno is still here but we don't bother each other, we have lunch and dinner together and then go off to our separate lives.

I came here to get away from my past, but it sort of followed me all the way across the ocean. I'm not going to give up though, I can't, I need to keep trying. Being alone helps, I will use this time to not care about anyone or anything other than myself. Not even my so called best friend and her new lover.

Images

Someone told me that love is selfish and I think they were right. I'm letting all of this get to me because I can't handle the fact that Henry is touching someone else, kissing her, undressing her, throwing her Alexander McQueen dress on a floor on the other side of the ocean. I picture it when Tom wants to sleep with me and I have to tell him I'm tired, then turn around to not show him how ashamed I am of myself.

One of these days I have to tell him what it's all about or I'll lose him too. He's too good for this, I want to love him and only him, the way he deserves, and be happy. I want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but I know there is no such thing as protection. No matter how close you get to someone, you're always alone in the end.

Falling apart

The summer is still getting hotter and hotter but my mind is somewhere else. Tom notices and asks me what's wrong, I lie and tell him I have a headache. It kills me, I could never let him know the reason I'm down is someone I loved, Henry, another man. The worst thing is I don't know if I still love him or if I just don't want Avy to have him. She's my best friend, the only girl who's ever been close to me, but the more I think about them together the more I start to hate her.

I called her yesterday to tell her that, and when I did I heard him talking in the background. If she doesn't have a guilty conscience she sure is a hell of an actress.

My favorite pastime

On top of the food we drink way too much, I'm constantly drunk from red wine, Limoncello and various sorts of Grappa. Tom takes it better than me, I'm a wreck in the mornings and late at night I can wake up wanting to undress him and myself and do, well, you get the picture. I think he likes it but he acts as if he's used to it. I have never asked him about his old girlfriends and he hasn't asked me, not that I have anything to say.

And that's maybe the only thing that scares me about us. I've only really been with him, and a short little fling with Henry. How can I know how anything else might have been, or might become somewhere along the way?

Office furniture

Bruno makes us the most amazing food two times a day or more, it's almost like being home with Salvatore. I miss him so much, more than anyone in my family, more than Henry, maybe even more than Avy (sorry sweetie). I don't know if it was his intention, but he slowly helped me grow up when my dad wasn't there. I need to tell him how much that meant to me, if he doesn't know that already.
Sometimes I fear that Tom is getting restless, he can sit in a chair for hours without saying a single word. I want him to love this life as much as I do so it bothers me a little. I just don't want to ruin anything by saying too much.

In the back of my mind

Another dream, this time about Henry. Tom said I was moaning, I told him I couldn’t remember what it was about. It’s almost true, I don’t know what happened, just that Henry was there, and I woke up feeling calm and relaxed.

Today we’re going for a long walk, the first in over a week. Time passes quickly if you count the days, but life is slow since not much happens here. It’s almost stressful, but I won’t let it get to me. At least now I can breathe normaly again.

Another ghost

I'm getting closer and closer to life, it's so strange how you can't remember what it's like to be fine when you're this sick.

Avy called me and told me about her seeing Henry. I don't know what to think, he's not forgotten but I haven't thought of him in a long time. Somehow I always just counted on everything sorting itself out, so that I would meet him some day and it would feel alright.

Tom knows I use his pictures on my blog but he doesn't read it. He's never even asked, and I think that's good. He's the one I want to be with, I'm sure of that, and even though Henry showed me another life than the one I used to have I'm passed that now. He was the beginning, this is the rest of it. How it ends is another matter and not one I want to think of just yet.

Out of the haze

I can see that I haven't posted here in almost two weeks, but I couldn't count the days even if I tried. I woke up one morning with a burning fever and since then I haven't been able to think straight. I sleep in the middle of the day with all the blinds closed, I get up late at night and wander around the house like a zombie. Tom is afraid of even talking to me, but he's trying his best to take care of me.

I would tell you something about the past days if I could, but I really don't know what happened and what was just a dream or something from my imagination. I'm getting better now, but every part of my body still hurts a little. When I'm well enough I'll try to gather my thoughts and write something about what I felt, and what I saw in the haze of my fever.

How are you?

Forza

Italy just beat Germany and reached the final of the European championship. We watched the game of course, Tom, Bruno and I. After it we joined hundreds of fans in the city center dressed in the colors of the nazionale, gli azzurri, waving flags, singing and dancing. In the midst of the rapturous commotion I screamed to Tom, "fuck me", it just happened, I couldn't believe I said it but I did. He just smiled and kissed me and it felt like the happiest moment of my life.

And now I'm already thinking, what if it was? I remember Avy telling me just that some time ago, what if the happiest moment of my life has already passed?

Insecurities under the skin

Going through my blog I seem to be wearing less and less clothes as time progresses. It's not intentional, but at the same time it feels good since I've always been a shy person. So many girls post half naked pictures of themselves just to get validation when they feel lousy, and that is very sad. I validate myself by daring to show my body, and I don't care what other people think. If they like it, fine, it they don't they don't have to watch.

Tom is a photographer by that way, even if he doesn't like to be called that. He's taken most of my pictures lately, but he never lets me take any of him. Another crack in the armor maybe? Either way I like it when he demonstrates those human qualities, his little insecurities are just spots on a shiny fabric, nothing to be sad about. He's a very healthy person, and he makes me feel like one too.

Fantasies

Gli Azzurri did well against Spain, Tom thinks it's really sexy with a girl who cares about sports. He doesn't understand football though, American as he is. "Why doesn't anything happen" he asked the first time we watched a game, now he's learned a little more and doesn't complain as much. I think it's sexy that he's trying, even though he's not as engaged as me or Bruno.

After the match we went for a long walk in the dark, the smell of grass and the sound of crickets surrounded us. We talked about everything but the everyday life we must return to sooner or later. It's a frightening topic, we both want to avoid it as if that would mean escaping the reality of things. We know we can't, but pretending is worth plenty.

Pink

Last night I fell asleep next to Tom but I had a dream about Henry. I don't know what it means, I was changing clothes in my room when he opened the door and saw me in my underwear, and I liked it. I woke up all warm, my heart beating like crazy. I had to tell Tom, he just laughed and said he can watch me change any time I like.

He's so confident, it's one of the things I like about him. I've always been shy but he brings out something different in me too, another person who's much more daring and bold. I like that person. The fact that I managed to scare Tom with the talk about my family is my secret trump card, I'll only play it if I really have to but it's nice to know it's there.

Back to basics

We're together again and everything feels fine, for now. I called Avy, just to hear her voice, it's the one connection to America I want to keep.

We spend lazy days just being together, around the house or in the little village. Here, it's sometimes as if time isn't moving and it suits me just fine. I don't want to think about the future, about progress, about setting targets and goals. I came here to get away from life, even though I know there is really no such thing as escaping. You only put yourself in another position, but life goes on and you still have to deal with it. It's just so much easier in the quiet countryside, with only the people you love around.

Un certo sorriso

I'm back in a summery Toscana, it was hard leaving Avy again but at least she's not alone. The evenings here are so warm, when Bruno sits me down on his veranda and brings me a plate of prosciutto I remember the tastes and smells from years ago. It makes me angry, I can see the past but not the future, and what if those lost moments never return to me?

I can't be weak but I am, I miss my family and my childhood because things were so easy back then. I didn't ask any questions because I didn't need to know, it wasn't important. The only thing that mattered was this night and the next morning, spending time with them without a worry, without a single cloud in the sky.

Tom has promised to join me this week. He says he's not scared, I know he's lying but it doesn't matter. I need him here, as someone to lean on when the memories come too close.