Fall out of love

I read about storms and it makes me miss seasons changing. I know Avy hates LA because it's always summer here, and I think I feel the same.

Last night I went to my croquis course. I guess I'm a shy catholic school girl after all, the nakedness made me blush whenever I looked up from my drawing. I had to close my eyes but then I saw her even clearer, that girl, standing there in front of me without a thread on her body. I swear she looked at me and smiled, she must have seen how nervous I was.

One week to the next one, and a part of me can't wait to see her again.



I have to make a choice but it's so much easier to just pretend like it will go away if I don't. The more I think of it the more impossible it seems, and the more I need to do something else, anything. I have no one to talk to, I always came to Avy in the past but now there's only my reflection in the mirror and she's not talking.

I've decided to take a croquis course, I'll be drawing naked women. If that doesn't take my mind of things I don't know what will. Tom has stopped calling, I want to pick up the phone but that would only complicate things more. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve him. It's better this way.


The hole in my heart

I don't want anyone to think that Avy and I communicate through our blogs. We don't, of course, I respect her too much and I know that she does too. But I also know that we are very much alike in many ways. We're both restless, we'll never be complete, and we make up for what we're missing by filling our hearts with too much pain. We do it because we want to feel something, and then we try to deal with that pain in different ways.

That is why we blog, not because we think that people are interested in our lives and struggles but because we need to. It's a form of therapy, a way of cleansing our minds.

And what I'm dealing with now is her wanting to be forgiven. She called me and asked and I told her what I'm telling you now: that I don't know if I can. I really don't.



One other thing has changed of course, and that's my relation to Tom. At first I thought he was my Vergilius leading my through hell, but somewhere along the way I got lost. He's an amazing person and I really do love him, but I need to become that better version of myself before I can give myself to him.

He calls me every now and then and we talk about everything and nothing. There is so much I want to tell him but I'm afraid he'll be lost forever if I do. It's better to stay quiet until we can be together again.

And obviously, the person standing in the middle of all this, without even knowing it, is Henry.



Time passes so quickly and at the same time seems to move backwards. I really thought my summer would be the first step towards a new me, but I guess you can never run away from yourself. Dad is mostly away, as always, and mom treats me like a child. The only thing that's different is I don't talk to Avy anymore.

I'm not ready for that yet, and she doesn't call me either so I wait. It hurts me, I miss her, but things have changed between us. Maybe they'll never be the same, and that is not what I wished for when I said I wanted a new life.

Have any of you ever lost your best friends like that?