To call or not to call

I'm going slightly crazy here. For days now I've been walking around with that little piece of paper in my pocket, not knowing if to call the number or not. I want to, I really do, but it's not the right thing because of sweet Henry. He doesn't deserve it, not that he's always been good to me but he's never meant to hurt me either. Oh, I wish there was an easy way out of this but if I just let it go I won't be able to stop thinking about it.

On a lighter note, daddy apparently met with some high executive at Versace in Europe because he came home with a bed cover and a nightgown from their sold out H&M collections. I know he's trying to buy his way into my life, but it's working so well I don't even want to care. At least he's making an effort, right?



I have too much clothes, when I don't use them for a couple of weeks strange things start to happen.

Earlier today I was trying on a jacket I hadn't worn since New Year's, and in one of the pockets I found a note with a hand written phone number. I had completely forgotten about that, maybe because I wanted to. It was such a weird night, I've never done anything that crazy, and that still intrigues me a little. I have no name to the number but I remember the boy who gave it to me, I remember his smell and his arms around me.

I really want to call but then there's Henry, sweet Henry who is always so nice to me. Oh, what should I do?

(By the way, I just started something new...)


My first product!

So I spent my Sunday making a little bracelet, just to see if I could. Mom, sitting next to me watching TV, didn't think so. "Sweetheart" she said, "no one is going to buy that little thing". Not that I care about her opinion, she hasn't worked a day in her life, but it still hurts that she has no faith in me.

Salvatore was nicer, of course. He said he would give it to the most beautiful girl in the world, but she already has it. Made me blush and giggle like a total girl.

Now I'm just wondering what to do with it. I'm not a business woman and I have a soft spot for flatter. Therefore I feel that I want to do one of those give-aways I keep seeing on some fashion blogs, because I think some of you darling people would deserve it. I can always sell something further ahead in time, right?

What do you think?


Tick tock

Avy called like she said she would. We talked for a couple of hours, about nothing and everything. We didn't mention Henry, I was a little afraid to because I still don't know why that subject is sensitive. I'm a coward that way, I'm terrible at being vexatious. Maybe it's a good thing but I sometimes wish I was bolder and dared say what's on my mind.

I don't have many friends around me, but I keep thinking how the ones I have don't seem to notice time passing. They live their lives and things happen to them, but they don't realize that they're getting older. I think about it constantly lately, how suddenly it can all be over and that every step we take is a step closer to that end. Does that sound strange?

Maybe I just need to find my place, and when I get too involved with those thoughts I start to draw. I have some designs ready and I will begin sewing as soon as possible. It's a nice and easy way out of the hardship.


A happy day

I like being anonymous, just one small person in a big crowd, that way I can hide unless I want to be seen for some reason. It's one of the better things about living in a city like Los Angeles, that you can almost always be unnoticeable wherever you go. Normally I'm not comfortable bumping into people I know or that know me, I'm not that spontaneous so they have to be close friends (and I don't have many of those).

Today I bumped into the one I love the most, Avy. We haven't spoken in weeks and I was afraid she was mad at me. I've felt that she hasn't been approving of my dating Henry, but she never told me why. It made me sad since she's been my best friend for so long, I want her to be able to talk to me about such things.

Anyway, we had a long talk over coffee and I think it's all straightened out now. She didn't say what it was but promised she would call me tomorrow. We said goodbye with a hug and she waved as I stepped on the bus. I almost cried on my way back home.


La gioia di vivere

The best thing about being an Italian is the food. I ate well at my aunt's in Toscana, but Salvatore is still the master. It's been so long since he cooked just for me, but today we were alone together in the house for the first time in weeks.

He knows me so well, he could tell just by looking at me I had something on my mind, so he made me a risotto alla milanese with saffron and sat down with me. I told him about my worries, how I feel stuck between childhood and adulthood and the loss of trust in everything I used to believe in. It was so easy, the words just came to me.

He listened in silence and I know I can trust him so I didn't leave out anything. When I was done he said "so how was the food?", just to make me smile again, and I did. It was miraculous of course, as always.


Staying still

Lately I've started worrying about the consequences of my actions. It sounds strange but I never had to before, everything that happened was limited to a small space and and a small group of people. And then suddenly all that changed and I was introduced to a new life outside the old, in the real world. This is what I've been fighting with for the last sex months, and it's harder then I could ever have imagined.

Anyway, nothing seems to have happened as a result of that new year's eve. Henry still wants to see me so I guess he doesn't know, and dad acts the way he always does. He's been traveling less, I don't know why and I don't want to ask. At the same time I miss how he would take me with him to different places around the world, we seemed to share so much back then. Maybe it was a lie but I think I liked it better than the truth, whatever that might be.


New days new times

They say that new year's eve means getting the chance to start over again, but this is not what I had had in mind. At dinner, dad stood up and started talking about the year that had passed and the one that was about to begin. He said we need to put the past behind us and forget everything that made us sad, then raised his glass and smiled at me.

I totally lost it and screamed at him, because it felt like such an insult. I can never forget my cousin and the way things changed when he passed away, and I don't want to either. I ran out of the house and called Henry, but he didn't understand a word I was saying. I was shook up and in tears and said I would call him again later, but I never got in touch with him. Instead I ended up in some park close to midnight, surrounded by people I had never seen before.

I felt so lost and alone, someone saw me and asked me how I was. I don't remember what I told him but at the stroke of midnight we were kissing. I got back home around 3 in the morning and found everyone asleep. This morning they acted as if nothing had happened, and I have a phone number in my pocket but no idea what to do with it. If 2011 was strange, 2012 started even stranger.