Magnets

Maybe it's just my imagination but whenever Avy's thinking of me I can feel it in my blood. Like her I sometimes forget, but when you love someone they're never really gone. They're a part of you that's always hidden somewhere underneath the skin, and that's what makes us love them.

If I don't miss Los Angeles I feel a greater need to go back to New York, not just to see her but to be in the city. Maybe I'll go soon, dad has told me he's going to stay in Milano one more week. I'm guessing he wants me to back with him but he would never actually tell me it to my face.

Desperado

Darlings. I know I've been silent for a long time now, but I've been reading your comments and as always they make me smile. I wish I could say that something has happened while I was gone but I only needed some time and space for myself. I sometimes need to get away from everything and everyone and pretend like nobody knows me or who I am. I can walk around any city feeling like a stranger to everybody and it's very liberating.

The last couple of weeks I've missed New York, and Avy. Never Los Angeles, never my mom, always my dad. He's always been good to me even though he doesn't understand me anymore, maybe I need to give him a chance to get to know me again. I think I'll be going back soon, back to America, I need to see people that know and love me. I'm tired of being away from everything and everyone, feeling like a total stranger.

Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

The road is long

I haven't been here in a while, thank you all for still being around. It's not that I've forgotten about it, it's not that I have nothing to say, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts. 2012 was that sort of year, so much happened and I tried so hard to change along with them. In the end I didn't, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the same timid and narrow-minded little girl I was 12 months ago.

Salvatore came to New York, he called me and we met up. I've spent a lot of time with him, both because it reminded me of my life back in LA and because he's good to me. He understands me, I think he always has. He's seen me as something more than others have and it means a lot to me.

I'm rambling, but what I want to say is this: I won't give up. I don't want to be the person I've been up until now, I want to change because I have to. I'm not 15 anymore, I've grown up and now it's time to become that older version of myself.

Happy new year

I got another easy escape for New Year's Eve. All of sudden, out of the blue, someone called me. Nobody ever does, except for mom when she doesn't know where I am. Daddy always sends me e-mails, and Avy has been here with me all week.

This time it was Salvatore, our chef from Los Angeles. He was on his vacation and decided to go to New York, somehow he knew I was here and called me. We spent New Year's together out on the streets, everywhere but on Times Square.

We came back late to his hotel room, he was the perfect gentleman as always and slept on the couch so I could have the bed. The next day we just walked around in Little Italy and Chinatown, it almost feels like "home", whatever that is these days. I think I will have to do some thinking about what my identity will be this year. Consider that my first 2013 resolution.

Going anywhere

This is actually not the first Christmas I spend in New York, with Avy. I was 16 the last time, dad had to go on an urgent business trip (or so he said) and mom went on her own to Italy. Avy still lived in Los Angeles back then but she wanted to spend Christmas far away from home so we came here together.

She thinks I faked a cold to get out of the Christmas dinner her mother arranged this year, but the truth is I'm too shy. All these people I had never met came over and I panicked, it made me feel like a child again but I felt I had not choice. I'm good at hiding away from the rest of the world, but I always end up regretting it.

Out and about tonight

Life is so much better here in New York, at least that's the way I feel now. I've always lived in a fantasy but La La Land is more like a bad dream. Avy talks about a plastic surface, I know what she means. Here, it's almost as if the houses have been there forever, as if the best of Europe packed its bags and went overseas.

Those of you that have been here know what I'm talking about, no? There is glamor and style here like nowhere else, this dream world suits me just fine. Avy takes me out, we go to all the department stores, shop for cocktail dresses and wear them at hotel bars late at night.

Chloe is here too, I don't know her well but she could be Avy's reflection in the mirror. They share something, sometimes I feel so very different around them but sometimes everything is just the way it should be.

How does it feel?

My first Christmas in LA was terrible. The winter weather in Italy is not like in New York, but in LA it's almost like summer all year and I hate it. Some people prefer the sun and the heat but to me, a real Christmas means cold weather or even snow.

What I miss the most is my family, of course, so many of them disappeared when we moved and we only saw them once or twice a year. Now I only have Avy, at least that's how I feel even though I know I have some family left in California. I don't know if I'm going back this Christmas or not.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

I'm in New York and it feels like Christmas even though it's raining. I wait for her at the airport, she's told me she's coming to pick me up and I watch the cabs drive by one by one until one of them finally stops by my feet.

I can see her hair through the window as she pays the driver and my heart stops beating for a second or too. She gets out, looking like a fairytale figure in a black dress and high heels, a Burberry trench coat over her shoulders and that smile.

I don't know if she's happy to see me until she tells me she loves me and hugs me for what feels like an eternity. I could freeze time forever in that moment and we forget that we should have taken the same cab back so we stand there together in the rain and it's cold but it doesn't matter: I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Fairytale of New York

No city in the world is better than New York around Christmas. I love the lights and the energy, it feels so warm even though the weather can be terrible. I didn't think I'd go back any time soon after the fight I've had with Avy, but I was wrong.

She called me, just now, and asked me if I wanted to see her. I try to play hard to to get but I'm really not, because I've missed her so much these last couple of months. I'm going in the morning tomorrow, now I just need to pack. I won't bring much, this is a clean sheet and it feels as if everything is about to start over.

Dreams can come true

How are you?

Not much happens here, summer is supposed to end soon but I can't feel it. I'm still alone, and already sick of my own company. I sleep more than usually and dream about Los Angeles and New York, never about things that really happened but always about people I know.

Last night I saw Henry from a distance, he was standing on the beach looking out over the ocean and I knew he was waiting for me. The closer I got the safer I felt untill he turned around. He was looking past me, over my shoulder, and there was Avy. It started to rain, I lost my breath and woke up.

For the first time I want to go back home, but I'm still nowhere near the calm I was looking for when I came here. I don't know what to do anymore.

NYC ghosts

I've been calmer these past days, maybe awaiting a storm. We all have so many ghosts from our past - Avy has her father and Carl, Chloe has parts of her family and I have Henry. He deserved so much better, I treated him like the air I breathe and never even told him I was going away. And so yesterday as we went out to a bar I suddenly thought I saw him in the crowd. I froze, unable to look away, but if it was him I don't think he noticed me.

And now I'm thinking: what if it was? What if it wasn't? I know the world is a small place but can it be that small? Was he here looking for me? So many stupid ideas, one crazier than the other, but that's the way my mind's been working lately.

Avy and Chloe are sweet, they listen to me and try to help me gather my thoughts. I knew this about Avy but Chloe has always just been her friend to me. It's nice to discover that she is a good person too, one I will miss when I decide to go back to Italy. Hopefully with Tom, who after all is the only man I want to be with right now.

Back to school

I'm back in New York. The moment I got on the plane I realized how stupid it was, but I couldn't help myself. Tom said he would come back to me on Monday but didn't, so I called him but got no answer. It worried me but I'm not sure why, if it had to do more with him or with me.

When I landed I had no idea what to do, I walked around for an hour before I took a cab back to Manhattan, and I just now called Avy to see if I could stay with her. This is crazy, I should just turn around and go back to Bruno, but I have to know what's going to happen between me and Tom first. It's like an obsession, and idea I can't get over, and it really surprises me. I thought I was stronger, more independent, but I guess this is a valuable lesson.

The only thing I'm not sure of is what I'm supposed to learn from it.