Magnets

Maybe it's just my imagination but whenever Avy's thinking of me I can feel it in my blood. Like her I sometimes forget, but when you love someone they're never really gone. They're a part of you that's always hidden somewhere underneath the skin, and that's what makes us love them.

If I don't miss Los Angeles I feel a greater need to go back to New York, not just to see her but to be in the city. Maybe I'll go soon, dad has told me he's going to stay in Milano one more week. I'm guessing he wants me to back with him but he would never actually tell me it to my face.

Desperado

Darlings. I know I've been silent for a long time now, but I've been reading your comments and as always they make me smile. I wish I could say that something has happened while I was gone but I only needed some time and space for myself. I sometimes need to get away from everything and everyone and pretend like nobody knows me or who I am. I can walk around any city feeling like a stranger to everybody and it's very liberating.

The last couple of weeks I've missed New York, and Avy. Never Los Angeles, never my mom, always my dad. He's always been good to me even though he doesn't understand me anymore, maybe I need to give him a chance to get to know me again. I think I'll be going back soon, back to America, I need to see people that know and love me. I'm tired of being away from everything and everyone, feeling like a total stranger.

Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

The road is long

I haven't been here in a while, thank you all for still being around. It's not that I've forgotten about it, it's not that I have nothing to say, I just needed some time to gather my thoughts. 2012 was that sort of year, so much happened and I tried so hard to change along with them. In the end I didn't, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the same timid and narrow-minded little girl I was 12 months ago.

Salvatore came to New York, he called me and we met up. I've spent a lot of time with him, both because it reminded me of my life back in LA and because he's good to me. He understands me, I think he always has. He's seen me as something more than others have and it means a lot to me.

I'm rambling, but what I want to say is this: I won't give up. I don't want to be the person I've been up until now, I want to change because I have to. I'm not 15 anymore, I've grown up and now it's time to become that older version of myself.

Happy new year

I got another easy escape for New Year's Eve. All of sudden, out of the blue, someone called me. Nobody ever does, except for mom when she doesn't know where I am. Daddy always sends me e-mails, and Avy has been here with me all week.

This time it was Salvatore, our chef from Los Angeles. He was on his vacation and decided to go to New York, somehow he knew I was here and called me. We spent New Year's together out on the streets, everywhere but on Times Square.

We came back late to his hotel room, he was the perfect gentleman as always and slept on the couch so I could have the bed. The next day we just walked around in Little Italy and Chinatown, it almost feels like "home", whatever that is these days. I think I will have to do some thinking about what my identity will be this year. Consider that my first 2013 resolution.

How does it feel?

My first Christmas in LA was terrible. The winter weather in Italy is not like in New York, but in LA it's almost like summer all year and I hate it. Some people prefer the sun and the heat but to me, a real Christmas means cold weather or even snow.

What I miss the most is my family, of course, so many of them disappeared when we moved and we only saw them once or twice a year. Now I only have Avy, at least that's how I feel even though I know I have some family left in California. I don't know if I'm going back this Christmas or not.

So this is Christmas

I love Christmas, maybe because it's always been the time of year when my family looks the happiest. I look at the pictures from my childhood sometimes, mom in her flowing dresses and mio caro babbo wearing knitted sweaters for a change. Salvatore preparing all the food and the lights and the tree and the gifts.

We were still in Italy back then, America wasn't even an option at the time. Mom talked condescendingly about that superficial country across the ocean, it's funny how she turned out herself after a couple of years in Los Angeles.

I don't remember it of course, I can only derive what I felt from the pictures and it seems I was happy too. And why wouldn't I be, I never understood what was luring in the background, I never saw those dark clouds hanging over us, and I wouldn't for years to come. Now that I do, all I want is to ignore them and go back to those happy times when everything seemed so easy.

When I wish upon a star.

Growing up, growing old

The word "winter" doesn't mean much in Los Angeles, it's 85 degrees out and I'm hiding behind the blinds in my room. Mom is out by the pool as always, it doesn't matter to her that she already looks like a gingerbread woman. I prefer milk for my own skin.

Dad called yesterday, I picked up and he sounded glad to hear my voice. I almost started crying, I miss him and mostly I miss the bond we shared when I was little. He always cared about me and I know he still does but lately we've grown apart. It's the worst feeling in the world and I don't know what to do about it. There's nothing I can do I guess, it's all a part of growing up, as awful as that seems.

Fall out of love

I read about storms and it makes me miss seasons changing. I know Avy hates LA because it's always summer here, and I think I feel the same.

Last night I went to my croquis course. I guess I'm a shy catholic school girl after all, the nakedness made me blush whenever I looked up from my drawing. I had to close my eyes but then I saw her even clearer, that girl, standing there in front of me without a thread on her body. I swear she looked at me and smiled, she must have seen how nervous I was.

One week to the next one, and a part of me can't wait to see her again.

Square one

I came home yesterday, to Los Angeles. I rang the door bell, my mother let me in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "He isn't here" she said, referring to my father, before I even asked. I had been away for months and at dinner a couple of hours later it was as if nothing had happened. No one asked me where I had been, what I had done, how I was. Mom talked about herself and Salvatore sat in silence for an hour.

I would have felt guilty, but she talked to me, not just past me like she usually does. I guess it means she cares somehow, maybe even that she missed me, but she didn't have the courage to ask any questions.

And speaking of courage, I'm tired of hiding behind a letter. I did it to protect my family but I'm not sure what from. My name isn't just S, it's Stephanie. Hello everyone.

Ci vediamo

I've finally decided to go back home, whatever that is. I though I would be able to relax here and I did, the first weeks and maybe for a month, but not anymore. I'm restless in a way I've never been before and I don't even know what I'm waiting for. Have you ever had that feeling?

I called Tom and told him he doesn't need to come back. I think it makes him more sad than me, he loved to be here but this is not forever. I just need to feel at ease again, and then maybe we can go back. Going home to California is an experiment, I have no idea how it will make me feel, but I have no choice. And I do miss some of the people there, Salvatore more than anyone.

I'll write again when I have settled in, thank you all for reading and caring so much.

Dreams can come true

How are you?

Not much happens here, summer is supposed to end soon but I can't feel it. I'm still alone, and already sick of my own company. I sleep more than usually and dream about Los Angeles and New York, never about things that really happened but always about people I know.

Last night I saw Henry from a distance, he was standing on the beach looking out over the ocean and I knew he was waiting for me. The closer I got the safer I felt untill he turned around. He was looking past me, over my shoulder, and there was Avy. It started to rain, I lost my breath and woke up.

For the first time I want to go back home, but I'm still nowhere near the calm I was looking for when I came here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Back in la-la land

Back in LA or home or whatever you want to call it, and it feels as if everything and nothing has changed at the same time. I'm a different person in the same place I've always been, I've traveled years just to end up where I was when I started. The good thing is I know there's a whole world out there, and I can do whatever I want with it.

Dad acts like I've been home all the time, it's nice to not argue over anything but it bugs me too. He wants me to be the same daughter I was this spring and I have to pretend I am, for now. He sent Salvatore out to get me a wonderful velvet jacket from the Versace for H&M collection. Maybe I'm stupid for accepting it but I guess I don't have to change everything about my life all at once.

And then there's Henry. It was nice to see him again, I had forgotten how he failed me the last time and I don't really care anymore. He said he was sorry and I choose to believe him. He still makes me smile and that's worth plenty.