3, 2, 1...

I'm alone again, Tom has gone back to the US for some important meeting. We parted on good terms and he's coming back in a week or so, but I really needed this time for myself. Bruno is still here but we don't bother each other, we have lunch and dinner together and then go off to our separate lives.

I came here to get away from my past, but it sort of followed me all the way across the ocean. I'm not going to give up though, I can't, I need to keep trying. Being alone helps, I will use this time to not care about anyone or anything other than myself. Not even my so called best friend and her new lover.

Office furniture

Bruno makes us the most amazing food two times a day or more, it's almost like being home with Salvatore. I miss him so much, more than anyone in my family, more than Henry, maybe even more than Avy (sorry sweetie). I don't know if it was his intention, but he slowly helped me grow up when my dad wasn't there. I need to tell him how much that meant to me, if he doesn't know that already.
Sometimes I fear that Tom is getting restless, he can sit in a chair for hours without saying a single word. I want him to love this life as much as I do so it bothers me a little. I just don't want to ruin anything by saying too much.

Forza

Italy just beat Germany and reached the final of the European championship. We watched the game of course, Tom, Bruno and I. After it we joined hundreds of fans in the city center dressed in the colors of the nazionale, gli azzurri, waving flags, singing and dancing. In the midst of the rapturous commotion I screamed to Tom, "fuck me", it just happened, I couldn't believe I said it but I did. He just smiled and kissed me and it felt like the happiest moment of my life.

And now I'm already thinking, what if it was? I remember Avy telling me just that some time ago, what if the happiest moment of my life has already passed?

Fantasies

Gli Azzurri did well against Spain, Tom thinks it's really sexy with a girl who cares about sports. He doesn't understand football though, American as he is. "Why doesn't anything happen" he asked the first time we watched a game, now he's learned a little more and doesn't complain as much. I think it's sexy that he's trying, even though he's not as engaged as me or Bruno.

After the match we went for a long walk in the dark, the smell of grass and the sound of crickets surrounded us. We talked about everything but the everyday life we must return to sooner or later. It's a frightening topic, we both want to avoid it as if that would mean escaping the reality of things. We know we can't, but pretending is worth plenty.

Back to school

I'm back in New York. The moment I got on the plane I realized how stupid it was, but I couldn't help myself. Tom said he would come back to me on Monday but didn't, so I called him but got no answer. It worried me but I'm not sure why, if it had to do more with him or with me.

When I landed I had no idea what to do, I walked around for an hour before I took a cab back to Manhattan, and I just now called Avy to see if I could stay with her. This is crazy, I should just turn around and go back to Bruno, but I have to know what's going to happen between me and Tom first. It's like an obsession, and idea I can't get over, and it really surprises me. I thought I was stronger, more independent, but I guess this is a valuable lesson.

The only thing I'm not sure of is what I'm supposed to learn from it.