Growing up, growing old

The word "winter" doesn't mean much in Los Angeles, it's 85 degrees out and I'm hiding behind the blinds in my room. Mom is out by the pool as always, it doesn't matter to her that she already looks like a gingerbread woman. I prefer milk for my own skin.

Dad called yesterday, I picked up and he sounded glad to hear my voice. I almost started crying, I miss him and mostly I miss the bond we shared when I was little. He always cared about me and I know he still does but lately we've grown apart. It's the worst feeling in the world and I don't know what to do about it. There's nothing I can do I guess, it's all a part of growing up, as awful as that seems.



When I was little I always thought I was alone because there was something wrong with me. It didn't make me sad, I just saw myself as different from everyone else. The older I got the more I was angry at people for excluding me, for not giving me the chance to be part of something bigger than myself.

I swore I'd never do that to anyone, and now, that's exactly what I'm doing. When Tom calls I don't answer, I don't know what to say to him. He's such a good person and I do love him, but it just doesn't work.

Does it make me a hypocrite? A bad person? Maybe so, but what can I do?


Corpus Domini

It would be a lie to say I just woke up, but it's not entirely false either. I'm proud of myself though, not only did I have the courage to talk to Liah - the naked model - we went out together yesterday. I'm not used to that lifestyle, but all those people watching us while we danced, it did something to me. Or maybe it was just the alcohol.

Speaking of that. I'm afraid to leave my room now, I know my mom would see what I only feel, that I had a little bit too much to drink last night. It's such hypocrisy, what is it to be upset about, really? Corpus Christi, right?

I haven't been thinking about it much lately, but sometimes it hits me that the reason I left my family and went to Italy was because of my doubts about this Catholic faith of mine. It still scares me.



I finally dared talk to her. She's kind, her name is Liah. She studies art and has lived i California all her life. I must have seemed like a little child, the way I stumbled on the words, but she did everything she could to help me through it.

When I was little I remember how people would think I was strange. It's still there in the back of my head every time I talk to someone, and it always makes me happy when they put up with me for more than 5 minutes.

I'd like to invite her to my house, but another memory from my childhood lingers, my mom's two greatest fears: that I would have no friends or that I would be a lesbian.


On speaking terms

You want to see my drawings, and I'd love the show them to you but I need to ask her first. I don't have the courage to even speak to her yet, but I will, some day.

Communication seems so easy from a distance, you imagine the things you want to say and then when you stand there in front of them you can only remember a fraction of it. Why is that? Some people seem born with the ability to speak, like our president. Does that make them better than the rest of us? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure.

Dad has been gone for a while, in Europe they tell me. Mom lounges around the house in her robe like a movie star but we both know all she ever did in life was marry a rich man. For a long time it was what I wanted too, and I'm happy that things sometimes change.


Liberating or afraid

I dreamed about her. I don't know if I should be scared or excited, so I try not to to think too much about it. All my life I've been doing just that, thinking too much, and it never leads to anything good. The happiest people seem to be those who just carry on and don't mind everything that is potentially hurtful. I'll try to be more like them.

And the Avy situation, maybe that's the solution? To just let her go for a while, until I can talk to her without thinking about Henry and how she treated me this summer. I told her, she seemed sad but it's the only fair thing I can do right now. I just can't handle any more drama just now, I need to take care of myself first.

And tonight I'm going to draw naked girls again. Maybe she'll be there, the one I dreamed of.