Liberating or afraid

I dreamed about her. I don't know if I should be scared or excited, so I try not to to think too much about it. All my life I've been doing just that, thinking too much, and it never leads to anything good. The happiest people seem to be those who just carry on and don't mind everything that is potentially hurtful. I'll try to be more like them.

And the Avy situation, maybe that's the solution? To just let her go for a while, until I can talk to her without thinking about Henry and how she treated me this summer. I told her, she seemed sad but it's the only fair thing I can do right now. I just can't handle any more drama just now, I need to take care of myself first.

And tonight I'm going to draw naked girls again. Maybe she'll be there, the one I dreamed of.

Inferno

One other thing has changed of course, and that's my relation to Tom. At first I thought he was my Vergilius leading my through hell, but somewhere along the way I got lost. He's an amazing person and I really do love him, but I need to become that better version of myself before I can give myself to him.

He calls me every now and then and we talk about everything and nothing. There is so much I want to tell him but I'm afraid he'll be lost forever if I do. It's better to stay quiet until we can be together again.

And obviously, the person standing in the middle of all this, without even knowing it, is Henry.

Where is she?

Someone asked me if I called Avy, and I did. I did but she didn't answer and she didn't call back. Instead she keeps posting stories about her and Henry, as if to annoy me. Does she know I'm reading, does she care? Does she read what I post here? I don't know, how could I when I can't even reach her?

And I know I shouldn't care, Henry is history and I have Tom now, at least I think I do. Maybe that's not the problem, I think that maybe I just need some proper closure. I need to talk to her to be able to go on, to start all over again with myself.

Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, it really does mean the world to me.

Dreams can come true

How are you?

Not much happens here, summer is supposed to end soon but I can't feel it. I'm still alone, and already sick of my own company. I sleep more than usually and dream about Los Angeles and New York, never about things that really happened but always about people I know.

Last night I saw Henry from a distance, he was standing on the beach looking out over the ocean and I knew he was waiting for me. The closer I got the safer I felt untill he turned around. He was looking past me, over my shoulder, and there was Avy. It started to rain, I lost my breath and woke up.

For the first time I want to go back home, but I'm still nowhere near the calm I was looking for when I came here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Where will we go?

Avy and I have stopped communicating, I read her blog but I don't know if she's reading mine. Everything she writes gets to me, I take it personally and wonder why she doesn't mention me anymore. We should be friends, she should love me like I love her, but who knows if she still does.

We met before Chloe, before Henry, even before Carl. It's a history I don't want to lose, if I did I would have nothing. It breaks my heart, the thought of it, and for what? I don't even have the right to tell her what to do and what not to do with Henry, but it really hurts me and I wish she would understand that.

So know I drink wine as if there's no tomorrow, just in case there actually isn't.

Images

Someone told me that love is selfish and I think they were right. I'm letting all of this get to me because I can't handle the fact that Henry is touching someone else, kissing her, undressing her, throwing her Alexander McQueen dress on a floor on the other side of the ocean. I picture it when Tom wants to sleep with me and I have to tell him I'm tired, then turn around to not show him how ashamed I am of myself.

One of these days I have to tell him what it's all about or I'll lose him too. He's too good for this, I want to love him and only him, the way he deserves, and be happy. I want to build a wall to protect myself from the world, but I know there is no such thing as protection. No matter how close you get to someone, you're always alone in the end.

Falling apart

The summer is still getting hotter and hotter but my mind is somewhere else. Tom notices and asks me what's wrong, I lie and tell him I have a headache. It kills me, I could never let him know the reason I'm down is someone I loved, Henry, another man. The worst thing is I don't know if I still love him or if I just don't want Avy to have him. She's my best friend, the only girl who's ever been close to me, but the more I think about them together the more I start to hate her.

I called her yesterday to tell her that, and when I did I heard him talking in the background. If she doesn't have a guilty conscience she sure is a hell of an actress.

My favorite pastime

On top of the food we drink way too much, I'm constantly drunk from red wine, Limoncello and various sorts of Grappa. Tom takes it better than me, I'm a wreck in the mornings and late at night I can wake up wanting to undress him and myself and do, well, you get the picture. I think he likes it but he acts as if he's used to it. I have never asked him about his old girlfriends and he hasn't asked me, not that I have anything to say.

And that's maybe the only thing that scares me about us. I've only really been with him, and a short little fling with Henry. How can I know how anything else might have been, or might become somewhere along the way?

Office furniture

Bruno makes us the most amazing food two times a day or more, it's almost like being home with Salvatore. I miss him so much, more than anyone in my family, more than Henry, maybe even more than Avy (sorry sweetie). I don't know if it was his intention, but he slowly helped me grow up when my dad wasn't there. I need to tell him how much that meant to me, if he doesn't know that already.
Sometimes I fear that Tom is getting restless, he can sit in a chair for hours without saying a single word. I want him to love this life as much as I do so it bothers me a little. I just don't want to ruin anything by saying too much.

In the back of my mind

Another dream, this time about Henry. Tom said I was moaning, I told him I couldn’t remember what it was about. It’s almost true, I don’t know what happened, just that Henry was there, and I woke up feeling calm and relaxed.

Today we’re going for a long walk, the first in over a week. Time passes quickly if you count the days, but life is slow since not much happens here. It’s almost stressful, but I won’t let it get to me. At least now I can breathe normaly again.

Another ghost

I'm getting closer and closer to life, it's so strange how you can't remember what it's like to be fine when you're this sick.

Avy called me and told me about her seeing Henry. I don't know what to think, he's not forgotten but I haven't thought of him in a long time. Somehow I always just counted on everything sorting itself out, so that I would meet him some day and it would feel alright.

Tom knows I use his pictures on my blog but he doesn't read it. He's never even asked, and I think that's good. He's the one I want to be with, I'm sure of that, and even though Henry showed me another life than the one I used to have I'm passed that now. He was the beginning, this is the rest of it. How it ends is another matter and not one I want to think of just yet.

Pink

Last night I fell asleep next to Tom but I had a dream about Henry. I don't know what it means, I was changing clothes in my room when he opened the door and saw me in my underwear, and I liked it. I woke up all warm, my heart beating like crazy. I had to tell Tom, he just laughed and said he can watch me change any time I like.

He's so confident, it's one of the things I like about him. I've always been shy but he brings out something different in me too, another person who's much more daring and bold. I like that person. The fact that I managed to scare Tom with the talk about my family is my secret trump card, I'll only play it if I really have to but it's nice to know it's there.

NYC ghosts

I've been calmer these past days, maybe awaiting a storm. We all have so many ghosts from our past - Avy has her father and Carl, Chloe has parts of her family and I have Henry. He deserved so much better, I treated him like the air I breathe and never even told him I was going away. And so yesterday as we went out to a bar I suddenly thought I saw him in the crowd. I froze, unable to look away, but if it was him I don't think he noticed me.

And now I'm thinking: what if it was? What if it wasn't? I know the world is a small place but can it be that small? Was he here looking for me? So many stupid ideas, one crazier than the other, but that's the way my mind's been working lately.

Avy and Chloe are sweet, they listen to me and try to help me gather my thoughts. I knew this about Avy but Chloe has always just been her friend to me. It's nice to discover that she is a good person too, one I will miss when I decide to go back to Italy. Hopefully with Tom, who after all is the only man I want to be with right now.