Novità

Hold your breath and listen closely to the whispering. Voices are calling out to her, telling her to come. If she will, if she wants to, I am here waiting for her and so is the city. It's getting cold but I feel my blood stream rushing like electricity.

For ever

The things we do to each other, hoping we will never again have to see the ones we used to love for what they really were.

 

Magnets

Maybe it's just my imagination but whenever Avy's thinking of me I can feel it in my blood. Like her I sometimes forget, but when you love someone they're never really gone. They're a part of you that's always hidden somewhere underneath the skin, and that's what makes us love them.

If I don't miss Los Angeles I feel a greater need to go back to New York, not just to see her but to be in the city. Maybe I'll go soon, dad has told me he's going to stay in Milano one more week. I'm guessing he wants me to back with him but he would never actually tell me it to my face.

Desperado

Darlings. I know I've been silent for a long time now, but I've been reading your comments and as always they make me smile. I wish I could say that something has happened while I was gone but I only needed some time and space for myself. I sometimes need to get away from everything and everyone and pretend like nobody knows me or who I am. I can walk around any city feeling like a stranger to everybody and it's very liberating.

The last couple of weeks I've missed New York, and Avy. Never Los Angeles, never my mom, always my dad. He's always been good to me even though he doesn't understand me anymore, maybe I need to give him a chance to get to know me again. I think I'll be going back soon, back to America, I need to see people that know and love me. I'm tired of being away from everything and everyone, feeling like a total stranger.

Where will we go?

Avy left but it's alright, sometimes I think I love her more when we're apart. There are moments when I wonder how much she really needs me but deep down I know that she does. She's the sort of person I trust in, always, she doesn't have to say much for me to know what she's thinking and feeling.

I'm getting tired of Venice, the smell and the tourists. I don't want to go back to America just yet but I think I have to change something. Elise has to stay for another month, maybe I'll wait for her and bring her with me. I haven't seen much of her lately but I know she wants to see the rest of Italy too.

Where would you go if nothing could stop you?

In which she sits on a couch

My last weekend with Avy here, she told me she was leaving over dinner yesterday. I understand her, this is my country more than hers. We ate and drank at the Antica Besseta, just the two of us, like lovers. This city is so grimy and gray after sunset, the alcohol helps to make it more colorful.

So I'll be alone again, even though I have Elise. It's not the same, she doesn't know me like Avy does and maybe it's a good thing. I hate being stuck, when I meet new people I feel as if I can start all over again. I just don't know what to do with that freedom.

Home at last

Avy is here, I couldn't believe it until I saw her getting out of the taxi in Piazzale Roma, always with the movie star style sunglasses and high heels. We haven't talked much since, maybe there's nothing to talk about, and it doesn't matter as long as she's close to me again. I know she can't stay forever but for the first time in almost a year I feel at home somehow.

It rains here too, spring doesn't seem to be anywhere near but the sunlight is beautiful and I'm looking forward to warmer days. Some people are trying to convince you that shopping won't make you happy but they're wrong. I only have to close my eyes and imagine a summer dress from Ferragamo. If only everything else in life was that simple.

Something new

So I've been saying I need to find myself, or grow up, or something that means change from what I've been up until now. It's easier said than done, of course, we are who we are but I refuse to believe in destiny or the pre-determined. If we can't change then there's no point in going on, and I want to go on. I've seen what life can become and now I want to get it for myself.

I'm going to Italy again, that's where I feel most at peace with everything. I need it to start all over, if this is to become the year when it all happens. Venice I think, I have family there and I will contact them when I get there. A small part of me is hoping I will have to find my own way, that would be the bigger adventure.

But tonight it's all about the goodbyes. The see-you-laters. The I-will-always-love-you-and-you-will-be-in-my-heart-wherever-I-gos. You know, the little things, with Avy.



 

Pack and get dressed

Salvatore went back to LA, his vacation is over and now he has to cook for my mother again. I don't even want to think about going back, but I know I have to. Sooner or later anyway. I'm still in New York with Avy but we don't spend much time together, she seems distracted. I don't want to impose, she knows she can talk to me if she wants to. I'm restless, and I can't see what the future will look like. I just want to get away again, to go anywhere but here and feel anything but this. Italy maybe, it was good to me this past summer. A part of me wants to call Tom, it's been months since we last talked. Should I call him?

Going anywhere

This is actually not the first Christmas I spend in New York, with Avy. I was 16 the last time, dad had to go on an urgent business trip (or so he said) and mom went on her own to Italy. Avy still lived in Los Angeles back then but she wanted to spend Christmas far away from home so we came here together.

She thinks I faked a cold to get out of the Christmas dinner her mother arranged this year, but the truth is I'm too shy. All these people I had never met came over and I panicked, it made me feel like a child again but I felt I had not choice. I'm good at hiding away from the rest of the world, but I always end up regretting it.

Out and about tonight

Life is so much better here in New York, at least that's the way I feel now. I've always lived in a fantasy but La La Land is more like a bad dream. Avy talks about a plastic surface, I know what she means. Here, it's almost as if the houses have been there forever, as if the best of Europe packed its bags and went overseas.

Those of you that have been here know what I'm talking about, no? There is glamor and style here like nowhere else, this dream world suits me just fine. Avy takes me out, we go to all the department stores, shop for cocktail dresses and wear them at hotel bars late at night.

Chloe is here too, I don't know her well but she could be Avy's reflection in the mirror. They share something, sometimes I feel so very different around them but sometimes everything is just the way it should be.

How does it feel?

My first Christmas in LA was terrible. The winter weather in Italy is not like in New York, but in LA it's almost like summer all year and I hate it. Some people prefer the sun and the heat but to me, a real Christmas means cold weather or even snow.

What I miss the most is my family, of course, so many of them disappeared when we moved and we only saw them once or twice a year. Now I only have Avy, at least that's how I feel even though I know I have some family left in California. I don't know if I'm going back this Christmas or not.

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

I'm in New York and it feels like Christmas even though it's raining. I wait for her at the airport, she's told me she's coming to pick me up and I watch the cabs drive by one by one until one of them finally stops by my feet.

I can see her hair through the window as she pays the driver and my heart stops beating for a second or too. She gets out, looking like a fairytale figure in a black dress and high heels, a Burberry trench coat over her shoulders and that smile.

I don't know if she's happy to see me until she tells me she loves me and hugs me for what feels like an eternity. I could freeze time forever in that moment and we forget that we should have taken the same cab back so we stand there together in the rain and it's cold but it doesn't matter: I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Fairytale of New York

No city in the world is better than New York around Christmas. I love the lights and the energy, it feels so warm even though the weather can be terrible. I didn't think I'd go back any time soon after the fight I've had with Avy, but I was wrong.

She called me, just now, and asked me if I wanted to see her. I try to play hard to to get but I'm really not, because I've missed her so much these last couple of months. I'm going in the morning tomorrow, now I just need to pack. I won't bring much, this is a clean sheet and it feels as if everything is about to start over.

Liberating or afraid

I dreamed about her. I don't know if I should be scared or excited, so I try not to to think too much about it. All my life I've been doing just that, thinking too much, and it never leads to anything good. The happiest people seem to be those who just carry on and don't mind everything that is potentially hurtful. I'll try to be more like them.

And the Avy situation, maybe that's the solution? To just let her go for a while, until I can talk to her without thinking about Henry and how she treated me this summer. I told her, she seemed sad but it's the only fair thing I can do right now. I just can't handle any more drama just now, I need to take care of myself first.

And tonight I'm going to draw naked girls again. Maybe she'll be there, the one I dreamed of.

Fall out of love

I read about storms and it makes me miss seasons changing. I know Avy hates LA because it's always summer here, and I think I feel the same.

Last night I went to my croquis course. I guess I'm a shy catholic school girl after all, the nakedness made me blush whenever I looked up from my drawing. I had to close my eyes but then I saw her even clearer, that girl, standing there in front of me without a thread on her body. I swear she looked at me and smiled, she must have seen how nervous I was.

One week to the next one, and a part of me can't wait to see her again.

Diversions

I have to make a choice but it's so much easier to just pretend like it will go away if I don't. The more I think of it the more impossible it seems, and the more I need to do something else, anything. I have no one to talk to, I always came to Avy in the past but now there's only my reflection in the mirror and she's not talking.

I've decided to take a croquis course, I'll be drawing naked women. If that doesn't take my mind of things I don't know what will. Tom has stopped calling, I want to pick up the phone but that would only complicate things more. He doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve him. It's better this way.

The hole in my heart

I don't want anyone to think that Avy and I communicate through our blogs. We don't, of course, I respect her too much and I know that she does too. But I also know that we are very much alike in many ways. We're both restless, we'll never be complete, and we make up for what we're missing by filling our hearts with too much pain. We do it because we want to feel something, and then we try to deal with that pain in different ways.

That is why we blog, not because we think that people are interested in our lives and struggles but because we need to. It's a form of therapy, a way of cleansing our minds.

And what I'm dealing with now is her wanting to be forgiven. She called me and asked and I told her what I'm telling you now: that I don't know if I can. I really don't.

Friends

Time passes so quickly and at the same time seems to move backwards. I really thought my summer would be the first step towards a new me, but I guess you can never run away from yourself. Dad is mostly away, as always, and mom treats me like a child. The only thing that's different is I don't talk to Avy anymore.

I'm not ready for that yet, and she doesn't call me either so I wait. It hurts me, I miss her, but things have changed between us. Maybe they'll never be the same, and that is not what I wished for when I said I wanted a new life.

Have any of you ever lost your best friends like that?

Where is she?

Someone asked me if I called Avy, and I did. I did but she didn't answer and she didn't call back. Instead she keeps posting stories about her and Henry, as if to annoy me. Does she know I'm reading, does she care? Does she read what I post here? I don't know, how could I when I can't even reach her?

And I know I shouldn't care, Henry is history and I have Tom now, at least I think I do. Maybe that's not the problem, I think that maybe I just need some proper closure. I need to talk to her to be able to go on, to start all over again with myself.

Thank you all for listening to my ramblings, it really does mean the world to me.