Back to school

I'm back in New York. The moment I got on the plane I realized how stupid it was, but I couldn't help myself. Tom said he would come back to me on Monday but didn't, so I called him but got no answer. It worried me but I'm not sure why, if it had to do more with him or with me.

When I landed I had no idea what to do, I walked around for an hour before I took a cab back to Manhattan, and I just now called Avy to see if I could stay with her. This is crazy, I should just turn around and go back to Bruno, but I have to know what's going to happen between me and Tom first. It's like an obsession, and idea I can't get over, and it really surprises me. I thought I was stronger, more independent, but I guess this is a valuable lesson.

The only thing I'm not sure of is what I'm supposed to learn from it.

In the closets

He called, and I didn't tell him all the things I want to do to him. The tension in the air made it impossible and put me off a little. We didn't say much at all, I wanted to and maybe he did as well but there was too much space between us. I'm afraid that my family and its history is part of it, but I don't know how to ask him. "Dear Tom, are you scared around me?" No, I will have to think of another way. I don't want to push him or risk driving him way, but I can't undo the past either.

One thing bothers me more than the rest though: what did he think we when we first met? That my father was just any other business man? That as a rich Italian family we probably don't have any disturbing secrets hidden away?

Empowered

After sunshine comes rain and after good days come a few strange ones. Ever since that late night conversation about my family's history Tom got more and more quite, not as sure of himself as before. Earlier today he suddenly left, he said he had a very important meeting and drove of to the airport alone. He promised that everything was fine but I could see in his eyes that something had changed.

He's going to call tonight, I can't wait, I want to hear from him and I want him to say that he's coming back. At the same time I can't help but feeling a little different myself, in relation to him. He was always so confident and I felt smaller in every possible way, but now he's shown me a weakness of some kind, it intrigues me. I feel like telling him what I want to do to him if and when he comes back, but that's a little too private for this blog...

In vino veritas

I guess you can never get used enough to drinking wine. This evening at dinner Bruno and I were talking about nothing and everything, mostly memories from a time when I was just a little girl, naively unaware of things happening around her. I understand so much more now that I've had the chance to process those events and view them from an adult's angle, but it's still just my interpretations. I'm not sure of things that scare me when I think of them as true, and after a few glasses of wine they became a little too intrusive.

Tom was just sitting there in silence, listening to us, and I think he heard things he didn't want to know, about my family and what they have done over the years to get to where they are now. We took a walk in the dark after the dolci, and he asked me about it. "You've watched too many movies" I replied, but without sounding very convincing. He really seemed afraid but I told him that's all in the past, that it has no relevance anymore. And what I should have said is of course that I don't know whether it's true or not, because I don't. I said too much and now it's too late to take it back. Damn wine.

This promised land

Such a wonderful week, the best one I've had in a very long time. My heart has landed and I breathe more easily, helped by the spring smells in Bruno's little garden. We sleep undisturbed, wake up, take a walk into the little city center and have late breakfast or early lunch at different bars and restaurants (there's one in every corner). Tom says he could stay here forever but I know reality will catch up with us sooner or later. I'm not letting it get to me though, not yet, now I'm just watching days and nights pass over this picturesque landscape.

Bruno lets us be, he's very generous and discrete, just the way I remember him. I know he has a lot to tell me but I'm not ready to listen just now. I think he can sense it too. He hasn't told anyone we're here, even though I know that pieces of my family is scattered all over these lands. Maybe in time I'll feel up to meeting them, but like I said, for now I'm just breathing calmly, under the sun and the stars.

A place to stay

And finally a little calm. I know I'm moving around in a landscape where I've been many times before, but I never expected to bump into people who are basically my family. Yesterday we found a bar in a small town and decided to have an espresso (and always a glass of water). As Tom ordered in his adorably American Italian I noticed the back of a head sitting by the window. It was a head full of dark wavy hair on top of a pair of broad shoulders dressed in a leather jacket.

I didn't connect immediately but felt I had to see his face, and when I did my heart stopped for a second. It was Bruno, one of my father's protégés from when I was little. He spent a lot of time a my family's house here in Toscana and always treated me well. I remember calling him Magli, as in the fashion designer, the way he looks now I don't think I would dare do it again.

He didn't recognize me at first but almost cried when I told him who I was, all the memories came back instantly. He offered us to come stay at his house, it was just what we needed. Tom is a little afraid but I've ensured him that everything is fine. It feels good being the one on top for a change.