In a little while, I can breathe again. This day, Good Friday, has been one of sadness and grief. We have mourned Jesus Christ and silently thought about his sacrifice for humanity. I know I'm supposed to be humbled with shame and guilt, but I'm not. It bothers me for the sake of my family that raised me in the Catholic tradition. I want to feel what they feel and be one of them, but I keep feeling left out. I know it's my own fault for not believing hard enough or in the right way, but I don't know what to do about it. Instead, I keep quiet when father asks me if I'm greatful for what Jesus did for us. I try to nod like I really mean it, and avoid looking at him. I'm the worst liar, and that makes me hate lying even more.
It's not that I don't believe, I'm just not ashamed like I should be. I'm trying to work on it and I hope that the ones who care can see it.