Forgive us our trespasses

Those of you who have been with me from the start know that I had a life altering summer. What happened then led me to doubt my faith, the faith I grew up with as a part of a catholic family. I realized that I had never really thought about those issues, and when I did it all seemed so unlikely. Why would a God that is said to be kind and loving allow there to be misery, hardship and death on earth?

I know that this is a famous problem, but it doesn't get real until you're faced with such a situation yourself. At first I couldn't forgive God for killing my cousin, but in time I even started to lose my faith in His existence. It's not easy to give up something you've carried with you ever since you were born, but I don't see another way out. I just can't go back to believing the way I did before all this happened, it opened my eyes to another reality, for better or worse.

The thing I miss the most is of course the idea of believing in something. I can no longer imagine a heaven after death, just a big emptiness, and I realize how comforting it can be to believe. Dad doesn't talk about it but I know he's heartbroken over this. I feel as if I have let him down, but then I remember everything he told me when I was a child and it all seems like a collection of lies. It didn't matter how much I wanted to believe in God's goodness, he took my cousin away from me anyway, and none of the answers my family gave me were enough, they just made me want to ask more questions.

I still carry the cross around my neck, but it feels like a charade. I'm true to my heritage but not to myself, and that still hurts.


  1. Like you, I grew up in a Catholic family. I attended catholic elementary and high school so religion and God's existence seemed somewhat programmed into my identity. Don't feel like you cannot have faith without believing in a God.
    Open your heart, soul and mind and see what you're left with, what comes to you.
    One way you could think about heaven is the chance to see you cousin again. It sounds crazy but sometimes it helps me to imagine spending time with them, imagine them here with me hanging out and talking in my mind.
    Don't let what your family wants or expects of you influence something so important, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
    You'll find answers.
    love always,

  2. that must be very difficult for you.

  3. I think of it this way: I don't know why God does what He does, but maybe He loved your cousin so much that He wanted him right then, and maybe this was also designed for you to have a stronger relationship with God. I know the hardships I've been going through have made me much closer to God than I ever have been before. I'm not a Catholic, but a Christian, but it's similar and I understand that it's a very hard issue which I have also pondered. Just maybe this will give you another perspective. I'm very sorry about your cousin.

  4. I still carry the cross around my neck, but it feels like a charade. I'm true to my heritage but not to myself: Words that really made me think.

    I miss having at least something to believe in too. So I know how it feels like. But you know what makes you feel relieved or less painful? To know you're not alone. And lemme tell you that you really aren't!

  5. I had the issue at 14 when my baby sister died. It was a still birth.
    I have never celebrated my faith since. It not that i don't believe, it's that i can't forgive. That's a secret though. Everyone thinks I'm and athiest.

  6. Sometimes I also have the same problem but still believing always work for me, so I trust in Lord

  7. I am so sorry about your cousin, deepest condolences. But then I think you should keep on believing in God, God will not give you more than you can't handle. You are strong enough to face it. I love your blog, all contents are amazing <3

    follow me if you love to, and i’ll follow you back :)


  8. I hope you get through this difficult time...don't lose hope though.

  9. Hope always whispers 'Just one more try'

    Listen to that :)

  10. Sehr schöner blog :)
    hast du lust auf gegenseitiges verfolgen ?
    liebe grüße

  11. I am sorry to hear about your cousin, please don't lose hope and faith in God - I agree with You're beautiful, you - maybe He loved your cousin and wanted him right then, as well as to develop a stronger relationship with you.
    Stay strong. xo

  12. Nice blog,dear!!
    Have a nice weekend <3

  13. Gods motives
    Are not human

    We couldn't possibly understand

    I lost someone special to me too
    A few weeks ago

    I hope you find your faith